the core remains the same

i spent most of my life living on the shore of a spectacular glacier fed lake. along one side, a winding highway etched into the mountain... the only road to travel. the other side splashing against the shores of pristine parkland; lush vegetations, alpine meadows and snowcapped peaks.

for many, the magnificience of such natural wonders were taken for granted. they believed the world beyond the mountains echoed our small corner of the world. there was no need to travel or explore. for me; i knew i was blessed to live in such a grand environment. this valley was my temple; the mountains my god... strong and powerful. at night, angelic stars would light the sky. towering cedars and pines swayed; a congregation. the lake - my holy water

the lake, at times, provided a perfect mirror image of all that lived above it. mashed potato clouds floating in azure blue would cast their reflection for miles. the calm was seductive... sunshine rays shimmering; catching the eyes of those within seeing distance. other times, she would throw waves; white water crests spilling over rocky shores. a powerful force ready to swallow whatever dared challenge her. a violent reaction caused by various upsets... sometimes a stones throw - other times, raging wind. and when nothing was left to calm her; thunder would roll across the sky, shaking homes until rods of sharp light tore through the darkness... sometimes there was fire that would burn for days. smoke would fill the valley and when it finally cleared everyone would see the scars.

when i go home i can still see the scars. many are now hidden by new growth; newcomers will never know anything different and accept what is now as how it has been always. but i know they are there. i can remember. i watched as flames rose... i can still smell the smoke.

and still, i am awestruck by the beauty that surrounds me. on the surface things have changed; the core remains the same.

wash. rinse. repeat.

everything beyond this post has been moved from my previous blog space. my last blog, posted october 29, 2006, was written in, quite possibly, my most deepest moment of sadness. ever.

things have changed. drastically.

it is spring. i am new.

maybe i might.

drowning (part 2)

[29 Oct 2006 | Sunday]

i am under water. scalding against my skin. still i shiver. scrub away your fingertips. flash. back. to all the days when you were naked. but never exposed. like me. under water. death smells like jasmin and eucalyptus and lavender. everything is white. and clean. and pure. light reflects from virgin razor. blades. gliding across my skin. under pressure. taking everything outside of myself; nevercloseenough to shave the only thing i need to shed. and nobody can see me cry. when i am under water. the water, like darts of ice now; i find warmth. somehow. i step back into your world. where everything has a name. and a face. and a title. and a purpose. everything is misty. or maybe i only have water in my eyes. and i am so beautiful. surrounded by smoke and mirrors.

maybe i might

[25 Oct 2006 | Wednesday]

maybe the things you say are contrived maybe the facts arent straight. maybe i write my own stories. maybe you can't relate. maybe you are not who i believe you to be maybe you see me different too. maybe we will fall apart maybe i'll die with you. maybe we were meant to meet maybe we dont know why maybe we shouldnt question you and i maybe i should just push maybe far away maybe i should concentrate on how i feel today maybe i should think much less and focus on whats real the way i smile, when im with you. and how that makes me feel. i dont want the maybe i dont what the might i dont want the noone knows i just want whats right.

mermaids and butterflies

[02 Oct 2006 | Monday]

from here to heaven, and everything in between. words will not even begin to describe the past 5 days... but of course, i will certainly try. flying on a completely clear day over rocky edged mountains, hidden alpine lakes skirted by endless evergreens reflecting radiant beams of sunlight, rivers and roads winding through the deep valleys below until reaching the beautiful oceanside city of vancouver would have been proof enough that i live in the most beautiful place on earth. but that was just a preface to the awe-inspiring beauty i was about to witness and the scenic view was only one dimension of the whole. one of the support organizations for the provincial level of the not-for-profit i work for holds their annual general meeting and professional development conference on the last weekend of september each year. the conference is always hosted in a different location, giving chance to explore new areas of our province. this year it was held in parksville, bc, along the eastern shore of vancouver island, at tigh-na-mara seaside spa resort, or, in easier terms... heaven. the 13 minute flight from vancouver to nanaimo offered a view of a completely new world. the bluest blue of the ocean, broken only by countless islands bursting with lush forests, spanned as far as my eyes could see. at 4000 ft, we were low enough to really see the world beneath us. The islands gave texture and perspective illustrating the natural surface curve and as i took pictures from my window seat, i was reminded of every NASA photograph, every geography textbook graphic, every globe on every desk. i could truly see our earth in all its fantastic planetary glory. the flight that i had been unnecessarily nervous of suddenly became all too short. i traveled with my boss, an amazing woman and one of my personal mentors, who would ultimately be elected president of the organization at this year's conference. i always look forward to the opportunities we have to work together outside of our usual work environment. i take great pride in standing next to such a dynamic and inspiring leader and am completely impressed by the way she affects those around her, always in a completely humble and unassuming manner. she is so full of laughter, creativity, style and energy, always exuding complete professionalism, yet in a fully approachable and welcoming way. above all, she is conscious of her team, never taking single credit and always speaking as "we". admirable in a boss; uncommon in a president. we arrived after an hour's drive up island. we had traveled early as she had engagements that evening. i, on the other hand, could relax until the following morning. we found our room, a one bedroom, log architecture, ocean view suite nestled amongst the skyscraping cedars and twisting, naked arbutus trees, which grow only along the south coast within close proximity to the ocean. the private balcony overlooking the gorgeous georgia straight and the distant coast mountains convinced me i need not look any further for a way to spend my free time. i dined alone that evening. something i enjoy immensely. something to read (my latest issue of WIRED magazine seemed oddly wrong in such a natural setting; yet i couldnt resist the urge), something to eat (a giant portabello mushroom stuffed with garlic and cream cheese, baked and drizzled with lemon butter reduction), and a fabulously delicious glass of red wine (an australian cab/shiraz blend, the vineyard escapes me). the tapas bar, with its cedar and stonework, was the perfect introduction to the days that would follow. a cozy, comfortable atmosphere, majestic scenery, exemplary customer service and fine food prepared from the finest ingredients. heaven. nothing starts a day of seminars and panel sessions like watching the sunrise over the pacific ocean with a cup of steaming gourmet coffee. i wondered in amazement at how the ocean had disappeared while i slept. the distant tide seemed forever away as i watched the geese flock to the small pools painted orange and navy blue in the reflection of the dawn sky; oddly beautiful as they carried on in the fresh morning sea air. by the time i had showered and dressed the tide had rolled in; miles of beach now only a memory. and so began the journey. 3 days of powerful workshops and keynote speakers, inspiring the new and rejuvenating the tired. placing faces on the names of our colleagues, we communicate with regularly through voice or text. empathy, sympathy, encouragement and celebration. this weekend is the fuel for all of us involved in the organizational fire. professional development. peer mentorship. discussions, debates and advice. over 100 experts combining experience; each offering a valuable contribution to the network. its training that no manual could ever provide. constant knowledge. continuing education. oh. there is more. the phenomenal staff at tigh-na-mara took it upon themselves to upgrade every conference detail. smooth marketing tactics? probably. but we graciously accepted and guarantee it worked (i know i will be back!). every meal was prepared and presented with ultimate flavor and flair. our usual soup and sandwich lunches suddenly became gastronomical feasts from the overabundant mediterranean buffet full of vibrantly colorful vegetables to the fresh pacific salmon with mixed greens and wild rice. breakfasts of pastries and muffins, fresh fruit, bacon, sausage, diced potatoes and the fluffiest scrambled eggs ever were enhanced with live chef stations, offering made-to-order omelets one day and hot off the press belgian waffles with a plethora of succulent fruits, fresh whip cream, nuts and real maple syrup to top them the next. our daily meals impressed, yet our evening meals were beyond typical. our evenings offered experience. the opening reception took place at the grotto spa. i arrived with two other participants and was taken on a tour of the mineral bath and spa treatment facilities before being escorted to the elevator that took us upstairs to the treetop lounge. the chef introduced his staff who would be passing hot appetizers to compliment the tables piled high with an incredible variety of locally produced cheeses and breads, fresh vegetables and fruits. In addition to the flavor treasures that circulated around the room, a live station serving martini meals; steaming mashed potatoes topped with mixed sautéed mushrooms, beef, lamb or vegetables in savory juices with fresh bread garnish. These delectable dishes proved the second best item served in a martini glass that evening; guilty pleasure martinis, a perfect blend of premium vodka, chombard liqueur and fresh lime juice, taking first. Throughout the evening we were invited to enjoy complimentary mini-treatments throughout the spa. Hand, back and neck massages with aromatheraputic lotions and potions and the most unbelievable sugar scrub which left my arms and hands feeling like the richest silk and smelling incredibly edible. as i watched the preparations for our friday night beach barbeque from my balcony, i was distracted by unusual patterns in the ocean below. watching the movement of the water, I wondered what could be hidden just beyond the calm surface. the water moved in constant circular motion creating a stirring effect and I watched curiously, yet quite contently, hoping for a glimpse beneath the ocean. as if to tease, spots of black would occasionally rise, then disappear faster than a falling star. finally, enough exposure reveled that i had been watching a seal. excited by my aquatic discovery, I made my way to the beach to enjoy a nice cream ale while burying my feet in the sand and to learn that my seal was only the opening act to the truly magical marine dance displayed by two killer whales jumping in the not so distant waters of the georgia straight. heaven. on the final night of the conference, the founder of a long time sponsor and great supporter of our organization hosts the president..s reception, meal, awards ceremony and entertainment; a formal affair with such careful attention paid to every detail imaginable. Gathering for cocktails in the reception lounge, admiring the stunning beauty of each person who arrived, dressed in their best, glowing with anticipation for the evening ahead, we tried, as always, to predict the menu for the gala event. while each of us could only speculate the possibilities (seafood being the popular assumption) we all were certain of one thing, the meal would be beyond belief, in menu choice, presentation and flavor. when the grand doors were opened, we were presented with a stunning vision of rich cream linens and roses, accentuated by the shining table silver and sparkling stemware. warm candlelight illuminated the entire room as we found our places among our friends and embarked on an evening of fine wine and a remarkable 3 course meal of fresh fig and basil crusted goat cheese with endive and balsamic reduction, cannelloni with ricotta cheese, fresh spinach and smoked rich tomato herb reduction, roman chicken stuffed with prosciutto, peppers, roasted pine nuts, sun dried tomato, fresh thyme and oregano, tuscan herb lamb chop with white beans, rosemary garlic oil, grilled polenta and white asparagus. fresh melon sorbet cleansed the palate between the second and third course. the grand finale; a trio of chocolate. delectably rich and insanely sinful. heaven. the evening progressed as always. dancing. laughter. hugs. laughter. dancing. a perfect ending to a perfect meal that wrapped up a perfect stay in heaven. i fell into bed at 03:30. my morning coffee would be my last with the changing of the tide. the past couple of months have been unusually stressful and work has been a struggle. i am so very very thankful that my employer, the board of directors who governs the local agency for our organization, values professional development and employee satisfaction. it is obvious to me, through the high level of service excellence provided, that the managing staff at tigh-na-mara subscribe to the same philosophy. i learned an incredible amount over the past few days. i connected with new colleagues and reconnected with seasoned friends. i applauded my boss as she accepted her presidency. i enjoyed an abundance of food and drink. i am rejuvenated and recharged. i have grown. i am ready to conquer the struggle. mermaids and butterflies heaven.

i support karma

[23 Sep 2006 | Saturday]

for max. polly: i support instinct polly: not logic polly: i support emotion polly: not reason polly: i support myself polly: because nobody else will polly: i support karma polly: .

procedure

this is the beginning
of the end
of the story
that shouldnt be mine
but is.

(next line)

i see you
closer
to farther
away

ANY day.

i know who i am now
my purpose
my role
in your* life

*his
*her
*their

(not mine)

go. do. be.

i am happy

happy.

happy..

enlarge your world

[22 Sep 2006 | Friday]

Michael Andrews feat. Gary Jules Mad World All around me are familiar faces Worn out places, worn out faces Bright and early for their daily races Going nowhere, going nowhere Their tears are filling up their glasses No expression, no expression Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow No tomorrow, no tomorrow And I find it kinda funny I find it kinda sad The dreams in which I'm dying Are the best I've ever had I find it hard to tell you I find it hard to take When people run in circles It's a very, very mad world mad world Children waiting for the day they feel good Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday Made to feel the way that every child should Sit and listen, sit and listen Went to school and I was very nervous No one knew me, no one knew me Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson Look right through me, look right through me And I find it kinda funny I find it kinda sad The dreams in which I'm dying Are the best I've ever had I find it hard to tell you I find it hard to take When people run in circles It's a very, very mad world ... world Enlarge your world Mad world

game over

[08 Sep 2006 | Friday]

i refuse to insert one more fucking quarter.

eight days a week

[06 Sep 2006 | Wednesday]

there is nothing worse than a cocky tuesday don't get me wrong... i love long weekends, especially Labour Day.... wrapping up summer, getting back into routine. however, i seem to notice an aggressive trend lately... these long weekends are a chance for those dreaded mondays to take a break from being the weekly villian and, like all good runners' up, if monday, for any reason, cannot fulfill its duties as said villian, tuesday will assume the title. and assume it does. and then some. lets take a look at our weekly calendar... Wednesday - "Hump Day" Half way through the work week! It's all downhill from here! Let's coast to the weekend. Thursday - Weekend is on the horizon. Often pubs and clubs will have specials and entertainment because, really, who cares if you're a bit hazy in the morning; half of your collegues and contacts have booked the day off and your boss will be leaving early anyway! Bonus advantage of filling in for Friday on 4-day holiday weekends. Friday - Hell YA! Saturday - A full day of bliss... from sleeping in to staying up late and everything in between. A getaway from the everyday. Sunday - Lazy Sundays...mmmmmmm. Often capped by a nice big comfortable dinner. Monday - I hate Mondays. Tuesday - errrrrr....... uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....... yes. as i was saying... tuesday is the silent partner. the middle child. tuesday gets no credit. zero identity. So, when tuesday has the opportunity to assume the monday position, it seizes the day (no pun intended - heh.) with such tenacity. it wants to be noticed. it begs to be heard. it oooozes with competitiveness. it wants to be a better monday than monday itself. and like the child that acts out in a deserperate attempt to quench their thirst for attention... the long weekend tuesday steps up to the plate and... * SLAP! * yup, it hurts. a comedy of errors. everything that can go wrong... does. you spend the first half of your morning trying to fix things and the second half setting off new explosions. at lunch something burns. all that is left for the afternoon is a) histerical laughter b) tranquilzers c) murder. yes, there is nothing worse than a cocky tuesday. that occasional bitch that haunts the pleasure of your long weekend. except, perhaps, the sneaky wednesday that smirks knowingly as she laughs in your face reminding you that you are rounding the hump and have 3 days to fit in a weeks worth of work. so much for coasting.

drive to dream to live

[05 Sep 2006 | Tuesday]

last night i dreamed i was sleeping. wrapped up in the crisp coolness of fresh green sheets; one leg escaping. pink toes reaching for the sunlight that bounces off the ocean and through the windowblinds slicing the darkness and bringing another day without you. today i drove every road we've ever travelled wrapped up in the lyrics of all the songs you used to sing. with windows down i drown in the soundtrack of another day without you now my dream has lost all colour there is no black; only white. nothing is right. there is rain on the windows that will not wipe away; ive lost direction. i taste the drops on my tongue salty like the ocean and wake up alone in my car (without new sheets) from the dream that i was sleeping.

woah blog!

[23 Aug 2006 | Wednesday]

so i obviously caused a stir with yesterday's blog - i have never had so many hits and certainly never so many messages in my inbox! so to those of you who wrote, and those of you who silently wonder... here's what you need to know: no, this was not aimed at anyone specifically. it was aimed at all of you, us, them... for everytime we, as a society, feel that we can improve our self image and increase our societal status by generating faults in others based on isolated observations or assumptions. was this a response to a personal attack? no. it was a response to the countless times i overhear such conversations and pointed remarks in grocery stores, restaurants, my workplace, your house, media outlets, playgrounds, schools.... did you say something to piss me off? again, not specifically. but if you even had to ask, then you are probably self conciously gulity of the pretentious bullshit i wrote about. but then really, aren't we all? what happened to make me "go off"? moreso than ever, the past couple of weeks have given me a strong desire to express the need for people to openly and honestly verbalize their views on what is wrong with the way we treat each other in an effort to bring awareness and possible social change. nothing "happened" yesterday... it's all been "happening" forever. finally i want to say i really appreciate your feedback. thank you for listening. much much love, polly

you make me sick

[22 Aug 2006 | Tuesday]

i am so sick of people and their holier-than-thou pretentious bullshit. who do you think you are mister i only eat 100% organic grain fed free range pesticide free blah blah blaaaaaaah... ?? don't you hear me laughing while you drive away in your monster SUV with all leather interior. i dont know what is pushing out more exhaust - polluting my beautiful clean air - more, you or your overpriced tailpipe. and you! the one who claims to only watch "educational" television programming on publicly funded channels so you wont "corrupt your mind with megacorp brainwashing" (who do you think is FUNDING half of those programs while maintaining content control? - suckah. brainwashing is tricky business. thats right. BUSINESS). and you "i'm soooooo emo" bitches who wont listen to any music once it crosses the "mainstream" line. that group you loved so much - the one you knew every word to sing along at the top of your lungs to... the ones who were only talented and cool when you were the only person who knew they existed. the ones you cried and cut your heart out to. ya they suck now. quick, you better delete them from that spanky ipod daddy bought you with his gold card before that myspace boi catches you rocking out to number 4 on the pop charts. oh oh oh WAIT. before you continue to look down the end of your nose at that kid at the skate park. kick him off "your street" for smoking weed and throwing down "blow your fucking mind" pen and ink sketches in that tattered up book he's been keeping in his backpack - you better finish that bottle of VO scotch your pretty little wife (that hates it when you touch her) keeps pouring for you and kiss your perfect childern with your liquour-laden lips before they go off to their "respectable" jobs at your favorite franchise conglomorate. bigger, better, faster, more. hypocrite. mind control. scary BUSINESS. thats life. live yours. dont tell me how to live mine. dont tell my kids how to live theirs. thats my job. and i'm doing just fine. and, before i go sit my second hand name brand ass down and eat my mad-frikken-cow cheeseburger before wiping my face with a *gasp* BLEACHED WHITE PAPER NAPKIN . . . (pause - let that sink in....) . . . and then enjoy a delicious 65000 chemically concocted tobacco cigarette (or two, what the hell? you only live once, right?) while having casual conversation with the 15 year old kids who i'm hiring to paint murals on some of the run-down buildings that people would rather see rot than be handed over for social improvement projects about the blatant mistreatment of society BY society... do me a favor. do NOT ask me how i am. because you patronizing bastard, if i took the time to really answer, you'd be late for your counselling session. and then. THEN. hell would surely break loose. get the fuck out of here.

letters i have never sent

[10 Aug 2006 | Thursday]

letters i never sent stare back at me paper heavy on the floor the weight of words defy even the strongest winds blowing against my body waiting for me to give in. i have said too much too many times spilled tears and ink across the pages you would only drown in the sea of blurry blue and green. you are so beautiful floating. my words form crests; bubbly froth skims across the surface and quickly dissapears. you taste the salt on your lips you breathe. air. waves. they come and they go. you splash; you smile. words only last a moment. float. letters i never sent a whirlpool of emotion. stay close to shore; you would only drown in the sea of blurry blue and green.

quilting

[07 Jun 2006 | Wednesday]

they see you wrapped tightly; delicate threads of anger guilt sorrow fear. a carefully woven quilt keeps you safe from the outside world; the world that took everything. darkness eats your heart and drinks your soul like dessert after dining on the dead. they tell you its ok life goes on. but you know you have seen. it does not. it ends. here. they tell you live your life but how do you live a life youve never known a life forever changed a life after death. they pull at your blanket. underneath you are naked; you grip tighter and pull your head inside. i see you wrapped tightly and i shiver. carefully i lift the lid of the cedar chest the one that holds my folded blankets. i keep them for times when i am cold. like beautiful patchwork the memories form a tapestry of intricate memories; they surround me as i sit next to you in silence. your memories bring sadness and you cry. my memories bring laughter and i smile. we both have tears. we are both ok. your eyes adjust. the dark seems not so black. in the moment when the light comes you loosen your grip. i see your blanket slip from your fingers and gracefully fall at your feet as you stand on your own. but not alone you fold your blanket. you hold the fabric close to your body and breathe deep. carefully you place your blanket inside a cedar chest. carefully you close the lid. you exhale. when you are lonely you will want it when you shiver you will need it when you remember you will have it. tucked away for now but there. safe. warm. real. always.

could the winter calm come twice?

[01 Jun 2006 | Thursday]

you know how in winter, when ice forms where puddles would be? the blissful joy and sheer satifaction of cracking that ice? the sound of the ice shattering beneath the soles of your boots. the ice puddles, seconds ago so solid, sunlight reflections bouncing off each glassy surface, now lay in ruins. empty holes amongst the melting shards; like hatched eggs, only nothing is born. you wish for more puddles. you wonder if you can find one that nobody else has reached. you hope it rains and fills the broken ones. and then you wait for the big freeze. but how foolish to think that these individual ice pools will ever offer the same satisfaction. they are only so pure, so perfect, once; yet they call to you and claim to offer everything that came before. they call to you in their icy whisper... break me you contemplate; broken puddles can never really be fixed. you slide your boot across the surface to move the dustlike snowflakes. a better look inside. you tap at the ice with your toe. beneath the thin veil of secondhand ice you can still see the remains of yesterday's break. you know you could crack it; but there would be no gratification. instead you walk away....

Love Poem (1991)

[22 May 2006 | Monday]

black room. cold floor. moonlight dances through the blinds; illuminates your perfectly chisled face. your touch is electric. every part of my body tingles; sensual vibrations take over. turn it up. let me tune in to you. let me feel the pulsating beat pump my blood. thrash in equilibrium, surround me with your lyrics. go deep, deeper, in to my soul and keep it; protect me. i feel you like i feel no other. take me forever, lead me not back to reality; keep me at your roots. bass beats in my heart and rocks my body in syncronicity with the rhythm of our love.

time & confusion

[20 May 2006 | Saturday]

everything is ok. i am ok. this is exactly what i wanted. closure. to hear your voice. to see you. to have you tell me ... everything is ok. i dont need anything else. you feed me... i tell you im not hungry. you serve me. anyway. i eat your apologies. i am not full.. but i am comfortable. until i see you. again. and everything comes back. every thought. every feeling. every dream. every wish. every memory. self creation. but still... beautiful. i am overwhelmed with sadness. i hurt. i cry. anger. anger follows. angry at you for knowing what you do to me. and still you taunt me with your words. and your song. angry at me for allowing you, once again, to draw me in. when i was so close. so so close. i was gone. and you were... nothing. as long as i didnt look. we did not exist. and then... you breathed life into the dead. and i followed you. i want to break something. a million pieces. like me. broken. i know what is right. i know what is wrong. and i tell myself. stop. but you know my heart. an entity of its own. and it pulls me. your magnetic force... the strength. chemistry only works when the formula is right. so right. i add too much. i feel the explosion. how many times do we try to make this experiment work. how many times do we fail before we achieve perfection. how many times to i alter the ingredients. or... maybe. there is no formula. for you and i.

shel knew his shit.

[18 May 2006 | Thursday]

Hug O' War I will not play at tug o' war. I'd rather play at hug o' war, Where everyone hugs Instead of tugs Where everyone giggles And rolls on the rug, Where everyone kisses And everyone grins And everyone cuddles And everyone wins -shel silverstein.

the journey IS the destination.

[10 May 2006 | Wednesday]

It's time to roll the windows down and Feel the cold air all around. We are heading out of town and Not a thing can stop us now. Get carried away. luckie st. - cartel (chroma) lets take a trip. windows down. music up. hair straight back. we'll stop wherever. whenever. pause. breathe. look around. absorb our surroundings. reflect on where we've been. enjoy the moment. we travel through the unknown. we drink in all that is around us. small towns with their quirky buildings that tell 10000 stories. roadside attractions that conjure memories that were otherwise forgotten. oddities and normalcies. we share them. we take pictures. we laugh. sometimes the roads are long. and straight. neverending. monotonous. we fill in the blanks with our songs. city lights on the horizon for miles. and miles. we can see it. but we will never get there. we sing. we navigate through valleys. closed in by the world around us. feeling the squeeze. we are so small. we explore the unexpected. bumps and branches. holes. mud. we wont get stuck. we can travel anywhere. together. we climb up. up. up. so many summits . we feel on top of the world. and we wish we could stay there always. corners twist around tall rocky mountainsides. so close to the sun, yet still feeling the crisp glacier air. we can never know what will meet us at each turn. and the adventure of not knowing. thrills us. and when one of us is tired. the other takes the wheel. we wont stop. we'll drive all night. until the moonlight fades into a blue that only lives for one spectacular moment... breathtaking. we are awestruck. you press play. the soundtrack of a new day. you ask me where i want to go. i look at you. your sunglass reflection in the rearview mirror. nowhere. and off we go again.

everything's coming up roses.

[28 Apr 2006 | Friday]

i am here, at work, captivated by 12 long-stemmed roses; full yellow buds merging to delicate peach petals. vibrant greenery boldly showcasing their luscious beauty as whisps of baby breath, like delicate lace, play among the leaves. the roses were waiting for me this morning. a gift from my coworkers. a happy (pre)birthday. i am reminded, everyday, how fortunate i am to work with such an amazingly talented and passionate team. supportive and caring of one another; never overstepping, always willing to go above and beyond. we learn from each other every day. and we grow. like roses. i have both windows open. it is an unusual 27C today. i am wearing my favorite shoes. wooden stiletto slides with crystal studded buckles holding the soft nude leather straps that hug my toes. my toes. happy to be exposed. smiling. perfectly pink. like roses. the breeze through the window carries the sweet scent of roses through the air. the perfume is not overwhelming; it dances lightly with each whisper of fresh spring air. with every whisper of spring breeze carrying a reminder of a beautiful day. this evening will bring family. dinner at my favorite greek restaurant. togetherness. we will drink wine. we will celebrate. we will raise our glasses and toast to my mother, who will tell me, as she does every year, "this isn't what i was doing 33 years ago!". and we will laugh. as we do every year. and there will be kisses. and hugs. and ice cream. i don't know what will happen beyond that point. i don't need to know. i have stopped to smell the roses. subtly seducing my senses, i am reminded that it doesnt matter what the night brings. my day is already full. sunshine, family, friends, love, toes, laughter, kisses, ice cream. and roses.

no red ink today

[06 Apr 2006 | Thursday]

i got a letter today. it wasnt addressed to me, but i was fortunate enough to have the author send me a copy. people need to spend more time writing. there doesnt need to be a destination or a recipient. no need to have a beginning, a climax or a conclusion. misspell words. be dramatically gramatically incorrect. let your sentences run on and on and on.... let your thoughts drive your words. back and forth without rhyme or reason. scattered. or structured. its your mind. and your mind is right. don't edit! there will be no red ink today. force your thoughts outside of yourself. on paper. on screen. so when you read it back, you can listen. listen to yourself. and maybe find some clarity where before the thoughts were blots. of ink. leaving stains on your mind. and smudges on your inner self. clean it up. wipe away the smears. write. the letter i was fortunate enough to read today was beautiful. pure thought. pure writing. and the author, who just days ago had pools of thought flooding his head; his heart; his soul... today seemed completely smudge free.

a beautiful silence

[24 Mar 2006 | Friday]

so i havent blogged for 2 weeks (thanks for pointing that out w00t). it isnt that i have nothing to say - its that... i dont want to say them out loud. have you ever had a thought. or a feeling. or some secret or story or dream. a wish or a fantasy. something that is yours. all yours. and have you noticed that, once you say it out loud... when it escapes the safety of your mind, crawls through your body and sneaks through your lips...or dances from your fingertips... it changes. almost instantly. like the air takes it for its own and you completely lose control of what was once so beautiful? this is a beautiful silence. so to all of you who worry when the words dont come. who ask whats wrong polly, why are you so quiet?... i am screaming, yelling, shouting, SINGING, laughing, crying, thinking. enjoying a beautiful silence.

late

[12 Mar 2006 | Sunday]

deafening silence so loud. i cringe. shiver. i want to scream your name i want to pull you close i want to ask you why i want to cry. i see you before me and want to look away close my eyes and forget. but I can't. yet. i am shaking thoughts fill my mind flow like blood through my veins and my chest tightens to keep them from exploding from my mouth. i am scared to see you more afraid to see you go so my eyes hold you until you fade into the colors of distance a blurry vision of what I once could see so clearly out of sight but still i feel you. i want to scream your name i want to pull you close i want to ask you why i don't want to cry relax breathe the words escape eyes open you are gone.

no fear.

[08 Mar 2006 | Wednesday]

i wonder why so many people go to such great lengths to save relationships with those who have hurt them immensely, or are completely detremental to their wellbeing, or are simply - wrong. they know that they are fighting to save something that will never bring happily ever after, yet they grasp and claw and cling to whatever shred of decency is left. they tell themselves that they can fix things. they convince themselves everything will get better as long as there is change. they swear this time will work. perhaps it is fear. fear of never finding a love that is better. a love that they deserve. fear of being alone. then i wonder why so many others push love away. that rare, beautiful, intense love that very few are fortunate enough to find. they find reasons why it cant be true. they find ways to sabotage any possibility of maintaining the pure, real love they have found. perhaps it is fear. fear of getting hurt. fear that someone knows you, understands you and sees you, completely for who you really are. fear of the future. fear of emotion. fear of the unknown. fear. we are always told, "don't be afraid". i say fear. yes...fear! for without fear, there is no courage. be brave. be courageous. dont stay for comfort. there is a whole world waiting for you. and within that world, you have a place. and i guarantee your place is not meant to be unhappy. be brave. be courageous. accept that love as pure. accept that it is yours to have and to hold and to feel. wrap yourself in it and stay there. that is where you'll find no fear.

move along.. nothing to see here.

[03 Mar 2006 | Friday]

well after the day i had today i had some really good stuff to say. but then my diva boyfriend came online and told me he wanted me to go see madonna with him on my birthday and now thats ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT! so.. to all of you who came for something profound ... sorry fuckers! madonna has hijacked my brain and im not sure when i'll be back.

nothing is insignificant

[01 Mar 2006 | Wednesday]

everything happens for a reason. nothing is insignificant. one thing leads to another... and another.. and so on. that is how life is built. and 'now' could not exist without every event, every encounter, every moment that occured prior. and what is happening right now, impacts the future in some specifically determined way. sometimes tiny instances combine, layer upon layer, until you notice. sometimes something so incredible happens without warning. there are times the reason is perfectly clear... other times we may wait. and wonder. and wait. and wonder. why? and sometimes we may never know. but the reason still exists and it is significant to life as we know it. now. think about the people you know now. and all of the people who have come and gone before... why are they in your life? how did you meet them? and why? what do they bring? what is their piece in your puzzle... and why have you entered theirs? do you know? do you care? do you wonder? are they a passing moment that was meant to lead you to something more obvious? is their purpose completely clear? are they a message? a lesson? are they permanent? for what reason? think. think. think... i am here now for a reason. so are you. nothing is insignificant.

the politics of potlucks (and other hazzards of joining a club)

[22 Feb 2006 | Wednesday]

there are so many things that change in your life once you become a parent. all those things you loathed or had no interest in suddenly become open game again. i mean, just because i didnt want to be a figure skater, doesnt mean my daughter cant be, right? her hobbies and interests dont necessarily have to reflect mine, do they? (side note: thank GOD she didnt choose figure skating - i know how early and how often they practice!). when she entered first grade in september she came home with a folder full of registation sheets and information for various programs and clubs. she told us she wanted to join gymnastics and brownies (pre-girl guides for those of you not in the 6 year old girl loop). we told her she could chose one (and prayed it wasn't gymnastics - she has the grace of a goat.) our prayers were answered - brownies it was. i was a bit concerned at first. i remember when i was seven i pleaded with my parents to sign me up for brownies. that belt with the little wallet and pencil just thrilled me to bits. (yes, even then i was always eyeing up the shoes and bags). i think i went to 5 or 6 meetings and dropped out. i knew at that point that "clubs and organizations" were NOT my thing. but this was my daughter, and it was now about her, not me (eek!) and, being an only child, we thought this would be a very good choice; social interaction outside of school, no expensive equipment required, learn to be a friendly, helpful and polite citizen, FANTASTIC cookies... wonderful! even better, her best friend's mom was a leader and offered to pick her up from school every monday and take the girls together. i cant remember why i couldnt pick her up on the first day... but i remember my husband coming home and saying, "you will NEVER guess who one of the leaders is..." it was jen. jen. the ONLY person on earth, that i actually 100% know, hates me. and trust me, the feeling is very VERY intensely mutual. i tell him i will never pick our daughter up. i fear if she knows i am the mom, her feelings for me will reflect on our daughter. i kill 2 birds with one stone - avoid jen and avoid the "club". fast forward to tonight. "thinking day" district potluck. i knew i couldnt say no. i had already avoided the hot dog sales, bake sales and other mini-events. my daughter was so excited... and this was about her. not me. i prayed, for the past 2 brownie meetings, that a note would come home saying "due to unforseen circumstances, the district potluck will be postponed indefinitely..." but alas, i'd already used up all my prayers wishing she would choose brownines (i wonder if the gymnastics club has district potlucks? somehow i doubt it... damn.) so we go. and it is insane. a million little girls everywhere. and their mothers. and grandmothers. and aunties. and, thankfully, a few (very few) dads. my husband had absolutely no choice; i needed him there for my own sanity. i put my gorgeous, brightly coloured greek salad in amongst the sea of dull grey, brown and orange. the cream of mushroom soup laden casseroles. the everything-looks-better-with-melted cheese dishes. the deviled eggs. the macaroni salad. it was like a carbohydrate convention. (i wanted to kiss the little girl who exclaimed (loudly) to her mother "look mom!" as she pointed excitedly to my salad. i hoped there was enough left for me by the time i got to the feeding trough. i dont trust food from a kitchen i've never seen (though i am sure most of the women there are having secret affairs with mr.clean). then the event took an interesting turn. june cleaver potluck turned into dinner AND entertainment. and i remember now why i hate clubs and organizations. especially ones that revolve around all female membership. we send our girls to brownies to learn to be kind and caring. to treat others with respect. to take care of the world around them. and before my eyes these women, the women who are there to guide these little girls, the women who sit with their children in a room full of others, begin to argue. the pettiness is unbelievable. the consideration to move away from the crowd and into a private area, unthought of. the claws come out. words exchanged. complete mean nasty bitchiness. i am not impressed, but at the same time, extremely amused. there are tears. i watch in disbelief. i wonder if anyone else is thinking the same thing i am; the irony of the entire situation. i wonder if they care. i look at my husband. i tell him i need some testosterone and nicotine, stat. our daughter is tired and she agrees, it is time to go. i gather my empty salad bowl and say goodbye to the other families we have been making idle smalltalk with. they look at us with an expression that says "i cant believe you are leaving before it is over... we hate you. can we come?!" on the way home we are all quiet. i look out the window and i wonder when hockey registration starts.

fuck your flowers.

[14 Feb 2006 | Tuesday]

im sorry but valentines day? a day of love? puh...leeeeze. its a cash grab that i refuse to buy into. did you get flowers today? if so, they will cost half as much as if you received them tomorrow - does that mean you are loved half as much? how about that special dinner? yes, restaurants certainly bank on this special day... featured menus. guess what? they will serve you the same thing on saturday. oooh and how about the lingerie? did you wake up this morning and think, "i feel extra sexy and think i should put on this piece of lace that i otherwise wouldnt look twice at.. right after i eat this 2 lb box of valentine chocolate that will go straight to my thighs!" did you buy a card? or recieve one? psssst... guess what? those are somebody elses words! did you get engaged along with 10% of all the couples who will get engaged this year? how beautifully cliché! if so, you got a sparkly new ring… I doubt I have to tell you how much money is spent on jewelry because "a diamond is forever…" (but means more if given on february 14th). and the sex. of course there was sex... animal lust or making mad mad love, you did it, didn't you? after all, you exchanged all the gifts like premeditated foreplay, it was bought and paid for!... you couldnt just *gasp*... not? and while you were busy contributing to this commercialized romance frenzy, what about those who spent it alone? is there a day on the calendar to celebrate independence? (and no, my american smartass friends… i'm not talking about the 4th of july). Of course there isn't, because there would be nobody to buy gifts for. and solo diners waste prime eatery real estate – a table of two means so much more to their bottom line. and before you think i am bitter because i wasn't the recipient of some spectacularly romantic gift…or wasn't showered with special valentine love... i will tell you what i buy into. i buy into flowers on a thursday afternoon in the middle of october. i buy into coming home on a friday to find a new shirt, with a handwritten note that says "i thought this would look stunning on you, maybe you will wear it when we go for dinner tonight". i buy into walking by a window and seeing a beautiful pendant and finding it in a package on my dresser on a monday morning. i buy into writing notes… they don't need to rhyme or use exquisite vocabulary. a simple, "can u please pick up some milk on the way home… have a wonderful day… I love you" works just fine for this girl. i buy into hugs. and kisses. LOTS of kisses. always. i buy into love, everyday, without some corporate monster dreaming up ways to pump the economy and ease the retail nightmare known as the dead months that follow christmas. so enjoy your flowers. i hope they last until the weekend. i am gonna skip off to the bedroom in my comfy cotton little boy shorts and cash in on the making mad mad love part… not because its valentines day. just because.. i want to.

grandma was right.

[13 Feb 2006 | Monday]

so as some of you know i was involved in a motor vehicle accident over the weekend. i was stopped behind another truck at a crosswalk when some dill decided to drive his chevy into my ass end. nothing broken (well... except my car), no bruises... just extreme stiffness which the doctors say "will get worse before it gets better". so i am stuck in a cycle of sit until my back cant stand it, stand until my legs cant stand it, take an extremely hot shower, rinse, repeat...but that is not the story i want to tell. i want to tell you all that grandma was right! lets rewind to morning (err.. well, actually it was afternoon, but i had slept in after a late night and was enjoying my first cup of coffee so, for all intents and purposes "morning" is more fitting...). i am sitting here, checking out some sweet new tunes, fueling up with some nice full city dark roast when my husband decided we "had" to go get his truck "now." so i throw on a hoodie over my tshirt (that i picked up off my bedroom floor when i first woke up) and my lounging pants (you know the ones that are so comfortable that you've actually worn them to a completely transparent state?) and off we went to go pick up his truck. i drop him off turn around and 5 mins later i am sitting in the opposite lane of traffic picking glass out of the back of my head and vibrating like a girls best friend - batteries not required! i remember the entire accident. i can see it - SO clearly. i heard the guy slam on his breaks, looked in my rear view and saw him swerving toward the right in an effort to avoid me and somehow i reacted by cranking my wheels to the left to avoid hitting the truck ahead of me. it happened so fast.. i actually thought he was gonna miss me but no... he hit me. hard. hard enough anyway that he pushed my car into the oncoming lane so that i ended up ahead of the truck that was originally in front of me. at least i avoided hitting the people in the crosswalk, which was my biggest fear at that moment. my first instinct was to get out of the car, but my legs chose otherwise. i remember my second thought was that my music was still playing (thievery corporation - the richest man in babylon) and my third thought was that i must have blacked out because the cops were already here and i didnt remember anyone calling them or there being any time delay (turns out they were 2 cars behind the truck that hit me and witnessed the entire event).after that i dont remember much. the officer told me he had called an ambulance which, at the time, i thought was unnecessary. i remember talking to police, paramedics, the guy who hit me, my girlfriend who drove by and saw me there, my husband who was about 2 blocks behind me when it happened... but i dont remember what i said or what they said to me. my thoughts were consumed by one thing... "grandma was right. i should have worn clean underwear!" yes, there i was. standing on the busiest street in town in my straight-off-the floor clothes, without a shower; hair still half beautiful from the gala fundraiser i had attended the night before, half mashed where it had danced with my pillow all night. no socks inside my shoes and.. no, grandma, not only was i not wearing clean underwear.. i wasnt wearing any at all! everything was going on around me... flashing lights, sweeping glass, questions, statements... and all i could think about were those haunting words of advice... "always wear clean underwear because you never know if you will get in an accident!" yes grandma, you were right. lesson learned. from this day forward i will follow the grandmother checklist: gasoline? check. seatbelt? check. clean underwear? check.ok, we can go now.

you think you've got problems?

[12 Feb 2006 | Sunday]

it really upsets me when someone shares their problems only to have someone else respond with, "but at least you arent..." or "well, it could be worse...". or when someone explains their depression and then finishes with, "but listen to me.. your problems are so much more..." listen to me and listen good. problems are problems are problems. who am i, who are you or who is anyone else to judge their severity. where is this big magical scale that measures their weight? who decides who wins the pain and depression prize? problems are problems are problems. it is how you are affected by your individual problem that counts. if you have a broken heart because your wife left you for another man. if you are consumed with worry over the illness of friend. if your child has run away from home. if you have been arrested. lost your job, failed an exam, claimed bankruptcy.... the way you feel due to your individual problem is either equal to, greater than or less than the next person who is suffering due to theirs. but it is still pain and greif and depression and anger and sadness and worry... and your feelings are valid; do not let someone else question the way YOU feel. the problems, the issues, those are facts. they have happened or are occuring at the moment. there is nothing you, or i, can do to change them. what you can change is the way you let it affect you. and when you are free to express your feelings with regards to your individual problem, without fear of being judged against the next person with the "bigger" burdens, you may see things in a different light - find new perspective - manage your pain. the world revolves around you. your feelings are the centre of your universe. when they are off balance, your universe spins out of control. so come and speak freely... cry and talk until my ears bleed. dont tell me that you feel wrong sharing your 'petty problems' because i am going through something so much bigger. dont be ashamed to complain because your brother has it worse. if you feel like crap. and i feel like crap. and he feels like crap. we are all in this together; equals.

drowning

[04 Feb 2006 | Saturday]

it is morning and, from the top of my snow covered mountain, i can smell the salty ocean air. it pulls me. draws me close. i want to swim. i want to dive deep beneath the surface of the blue green sea. i want to explore the life below this beautiful, mysterious pool. i want to discover coral reefs and marvel at each new surprise hiding deep within. i want to splash playfully; without worry, without care. i want to know what lies at the bottom of this beautiful abyss. i want to float and let the waves pull me, without thought; weightless. i want to feel the water weave through my hair like fingertips; separating each strand as they dance and twirl with no direction. i want to feel the water caress my body; completely surrounded. my skin drinking in the salty moisture. i want to become one with this ocean. i want to dive deeper. deeper. and i never want to come up for air. i want to swim. i want to dive deep beneath the surface of the blue green sea.

warning: perfect shoes may imapair judgement

[02 Feb 2006 | Thursday]

i've been wearing this pair of shoes for quite awhile. they are sweetass black suede vans with lilac accent. very very comfortable. i can put them on without untying them. and they go with everything... almost. i have a 'thing' for footwear so its funny that i have gotten so attached to this one pair. thing is... i just love the way i feel when i have them on. sometimes i have to trade them in for a pair of stiletto boots or strappy slides or snowpaks. but when i get those vans back on, i just feel.. right. so today i am talking with my friend. and my shoes, they are getting so worn in. i might have to start looking for new shoes. i dont want to. what if i never find shoes like this again? what if... she makes me take off my shoes. to contemplate. to look at this issue in a completely unbiased manner. i beg her not to make me. she says "polly, hush. take off the shoes. i want to see you barefoot". so i take off my shoes. damn i have really cute feet. and i just painted my toes with an appropriately named polish - "pretty". i put on my diamond butterfly toe-ring and look at her. "ok" i say. "you got me out of my shoes. talk". the conversation that happened next really doesnt make a difference. its what happened during the conversation. by taking off the comfortable shoes. the safe shoes. and letting my toes wiggle around and think about what kind of shoes they REALLY want to be in. things just, made sense. barefeet must be a direct line to the brain, cuz dammit - i was thinking. clearly. plus.. my toes, they looked so.. well.. um.. pretty! we finished our chat. she said i could put my shoes back on. i told her i was afraid they might hurt my feet. she said if they did, i could always take them off. then she took me for ice cream.

life essentials and the little things

[31 Jan 2006 | Tuesday]

food. water. shelter. yes, the essentials of life. but what are YOUR essentials? what can you not live without? at first thought you probably ramble off a slew of things that really, when faced with going "without" you actually WOULD survive. so think long, and think hard. what are your essentials? i have 4. love music coffee mascara really. those are my 4 essentials. without any of them, my world would fall apart. love, both giving and receiving, is my reason for being. it is the heart of me. the reason i wake up. music is my soul. it carries me from the time i wake up until i sleep again. it rules my energy. it impacts my performance, my emotions and my attitude. not a minute goes by when there is not music - even if its just me, singing inside my head. i am dancing... always. coffee. my fuel. a 20oz dark roast add triple shot espresso with cream is beautiful in the morning. maybe a licorice latte in the afternoon. just make sure its fresh and its strong and its hot. and mascara. yes. mascara. because nothing says "im awake, im alive and im listening" better than a fresh coat of dark brown. trust me. its the fix. so now you have your essentials. what is next? all the little things. YES the little things. the treats that make your days special. the things that you look forward to. the things you appreciate. the things you are thankful for. the things that make you comfortable. the things that make you smile. and although i know i could not possibly list all of my little things... i think the following is a good start.... 3x5" post it notes (yellow) the smell of rain on pavement wine gums fresh magazines with thick matte paper perfect nectarines the word 'luscious' GORGEOUS the lake people who say thank you - and mean it a poem that doesnt rhyme healthy hair sleeping in long drives (to nowhere) black sharpie fine point permanent markers wasabi the sound of tattoo guns friday nights documentaries kissing a perfectly worn in pair of jeans butterflies going out for breakfast - in the afternoon capturing the moment with a single frame the color brown listening to my daughter read the ambiguously gay duo finding new music that is so good i listen to it in my winamp, my mp3 player AND in my car christmas tree ornaments great comebacks cold beer call display killer shoes winning the game stars my mom's pancakes pedicures [Lilly] campfires wax daisies a really good bottle of cabernet/shiraz insanely long hot showers irc silent conversations darts crossword puzzles you so make your list. keep your list. change it. add to it. make sure you have ample supply of essentials. and then always remember the little things.

home.

[30 Jan 2006 | Monday]

The world before you has fallen to pieces. and there is this one piece that is solid. it is the one thing that is holding all these pieces from tumbling over the edge. like a dam. fragments, everywhere; all pushing up against this one wall. you pray that this one piece will never falter. it will hold strong and keep all the pieces in one place, in case u ever manage to fit them back together. rebuild. how strong is that wall? how much pressure can it take? will it withstand the constant push... then, one day, you look at all these pieces. the terrible mess of destruction. massive pieces; chunky. heavy. smaller jagged pieces; sharp shards. and dust. so much dust you realize you will never be able to rebuild what once stood before you. so you call on all your strength and you put your hands on this one solid piece. the foundation of everything that has fallen. the strength that has held everything together. solid. you can feel your energy and you know. you know that once you push this final standing piece, the landscape will be changed. forever. and you yell. and you push. and the tears stream down your face; causing a torrent flood that carries the ruins over the edge. the pieces rush past you with such fierce speed. crashing. shattering. the fallen, broken pieces. the ruins. vanished. and you wipe your tears. and the dust settles. and a few small pieces remain. some will get buried underneath your new building. some will become part of the landscape. some will stay until the wind blows. you take one last look over the edge. that solid piece. the one that held everything together. dead. buried beneath the rubble. some of the pieces have fallen together to create new structures. others have hit hard. bounced a further distance. chipped and broken. far away. alone. the wind blows. and you find shelter. and it is warm. and it is beautiful. The pieces that so desperately needed to tumble. The pieces that needed your push. They are in their place. And you are home.

joy and pain

a few days ago i had a conversation with someone who asked the question, "why do we continue to do things that dont make us feel good?" its true. we, as humans, do. its like asking, "why are you banging your head against that wall?".. the answer? because it feels so damn good when i stop? seriously, i've been thinking about the question since then. why do we continually do things that we know will make us hurt, ill, crazy, sad, angry... is a good question that begged for an answer.

my own truth is that i do the these things because the things that give me the greatest pain are also the things that give me the purest joy.

can people truly know sadness if they were not first happy? could they not feel pain without experiencing pleasure? could they not feel sick if they never knew healthy? think about it. if you did not love someone deeply, it would be impossible for you to feel the pain of a broken heart. would you trade the love.. give away that experience... to avoid that subsequent pain?

the pain and sadness that i have experienced in my life are feelings i would never discount. i have cried. i have yelled. i have thrown things. i have broken things. i have cried more. i have felt my own heart breaking. i have been dizzy with sickness and been so low i honestly didnt know if i would ever come back up. but i would never trade the experiences that led me there for anything. to have not known pure joy, extreme happiness and true love would be a life not worth living.

girlfriend bah.

[26 Jan 2006 | Thursday]

those who know me know i dont do well with women. sure i have some amazing girlfriends that i love with all my heart and soul. but for everyday purposes? sorry girls, give me the boys club anyday. i will probably get thrown to the dogs for this but, to be completely honest? girlfriends are just too much damn work. a little story for you (all names have been changed to protect the innocent - and the insane): i'm talking to my friend. he is distraught because him and his girlfriend were going out for a nice time and it turned ugly. he (and i have no reason to doubt him) says his girlfriend freaked out at him for NO reason. none at all. i ask all the pertainent questions.. are you SURE you didnt do anything stupid? cuz, you know.. boys are stupid. he assures me he did nothing. so i say fine. im gonna tell you about girls. nothing is easy with girls. nothing. nothing makes sense. nothing. just when you think youve figured girls out, they will slap you in the face with something new. with girls there is always an exception (or 20) to the rule. stop trying to "get" them and just let them "be" them. this is the way girls are built. let me give you an example: eg 1: boy 1 - lets go for a beer. boy 2 - ok. eg 2: boy: lets go for a beer. girl: (thinking to herself) why does he want to go for a beer? does he love me? or does he just want to get me drunk and take me to bed. i refuse to let that happen. unless, of course, he buys me dinner too. (outloud) hmmm. im not sure if i should be drinking. maybe we could go get a bite to eat instead? boy: ok. as long as there is beer. where do you want to go? girl: (thinking to herself) if we go to cafe 'a' girl 2 will be working. and i think he was with her once. if we go there, he might want her again. but then again, i could rub it in her face that i am with him now. OR we could go to restaurant 'a' and i could get dressed up! (outloud) i dont know. where do you want to go? boy: wherever. im not really hungry. i will eat anything. i just want a beer. girl: ok. lets go to cafe 'a'. let me quickly freshen up. boy: ok. i will have a beer. hurry. girl: (thinking to herself) what should i wear? jeans. yes. jeans. with my new blue top. but then he will think i am trying to hard. i will wear my sweater. too casual? pause to try on 6 different outfits, hate them all, complain she is fat and put on the clothes she had on in the first place... boy: ready hun? girl: oh my GOD! stop rushing me! its not easy being beautiful! 25 mins later... boy: ready? girl: (thinking to herself) he didnt say i looked nice. i do look fat. i knew i should have worn the new shirt. i hope girl 2 looks like crap today. she is such a bitch. (outloud) honey, you are so quiet, what are you thinking? boy: i want a beer. girl: (outloud) fine. dont tell me. (thinking to herself) he is hoping she is working tonight. silence... enter cafe 'a' girl: (thinking to herself) grrr. she is working tonight. and she looks great. except for her hair, what was she thinking? i think she put on some weight too. i knew i should have worn something else. he cant keep his eyes off her! (outloud) oh SHE is working here now? i didnt know that. boy: who? girl: (thinking to herself) WHO? he doesnt even remember sleeping with her? what an asshole. boy: do you want a beer? girl: NO! i dont even know why i am here with you in the first place. you cant even remember the girls you have been with. i look fat. you dont love me. take me home. i hate you. my friend listens (really, he does) and then says "huh" and goes to grab a beer. he comes back and says, "polly? how come you are not a 'girl'? how come its easy with you?" i reply, "cuz i'm an exception to the rule and i just want the damn beer"

buy this (it will change your life)

[23 Jan 2006 | Monday]

have you ever wanted to purchase something and been completely overwhelmed by the choices? so many products of virtual duplicity, yet each calling to you in their unique way. one housed in thick clear plastic with colorful labels strategically adhered so as to just hide what is inside. one inside a cardboard box with a relatively descriptive label and endless consumer warnings. one in its tattered packaging, a glaring discount sticker slapped across its face... which do you choose? are they all the same inside? you peruse the book section. rows of bestsellers with thier strategic cover art. stunning photographs and intricate illustrations. splashed quotes from critics promising you wont be able to tear yourself away. you read the synopsis. a nice overview of the story which will unfold as you turn every crisp white page. each contain a different story... which do you chose? they say you cant judge a book by its cover... do you? you stop to pick up food. overwhelmed with promises of low fat, no fat, 0 carbs, sugar free... guaranteed fresh. finest quality ingredients. organic. no additives. fully processed. homogonized. made with real fruit juice. vegetarian. vegan. 100% grain fed beef. free range. free prize. buy one get one free. you study the prices. all different. but inside they are all the same. arent they? ..and then, even when you have everything you need. everything you came for... do you grab a magazine on impulse as you wait in line because it tells you it will make your life easier in 12 steps? renovate a house for less than one month's mortgage payment? pimp your ride? will show you how to dress? will tell you what to wear when that special someone finally wants to take you out (thanks to your the new makeover tricks on pg 22). do you casually turn the glossy pages filled with photographs of the beautiful people. can these pages of paid advertising really change your life forever? marketing. packaging. promises. the lure. the beauty. the appeal to the eye. you pick the most beautiful package; the product is inferior. you buy the book that everyone is talking about; you read, and reread, and read again, the first 6 pages. you fall asleep. there is no story. you choose the 'healthiest' groceries and take them home to find them tasteless. bland. you were fooled. betrayed by the candy which sweetened your eye. maybe the magazine you bought can fix this? maybe. what if everything looked the same and the only way to choose your products was by what was on the inside? would you then be able to make your choices based on the quality of craftsmanship? the actual words? the real story? the true ingredients? could you truly accept the possibility that inside that generic package, that blank book jacket, that silver foil wrapper you may just find exactly what you were looking for? you think about that while i flip through this magazine ;-)

dance motherfuckers. dance.

so i went to a concert tonight - small venue, maybe 800 ppl or so? a nice theatre with great sound. 2 chartopping bands from my highschool days (yes - way back 80's tracks.. lots of hair.. you get the picture?).

the concert was in another city so we decided to go early, get parking, have some dinner... drinks? yes, of course drinks. we hit this pub close to where we need to be get menus and order drinks - i was killer thirsty and downed that baby in 2 sips (in my defence it was a VERY short drink). the place is packed with concert goers (including one chick who i swear hadn't changed her hairstyle since she danced her acid washed jordache ass off at her junior prom... actually now that i think about it, there was enough hairspray in that bleached out mane that its possible it was actually still styled from that night?!). we check the time and decide that food is probably not going to be a possibility with the slow service and continuous stream of pub crawlers. next stop liquor store.

with nothing in me other than the vodka appetizer i had at the pub (mixed with juice tho - so a bit of nutrition folks!), i dont suppose fireball (cinnamon whiskey for those who dont know) was the best choice for a main course. we sit in our car with our music blaring drinking straight from the bottle still wrapped in its paper bag... (thats a sad little image right there, no?). we watch as people hurry past trying to get there before the show... i convince my crew to chill for a bit, listen to some more music, have a few more sips... our seats arent going anywhere.

we get inside just as the opening act is walking to the stage. its dark and we have never been to this theatre. KILLER seats (not that we actually needed the seats.. more on that later) and the sound is amazing. i am ready to completely rock out and hope the people behind us are too. the first group plays all the crowd favorites, mixed with a few new tracks and the odd b side. i scream and jump and dance and sing... i am SO transported back to memories of riding the bus with my cereal box sized sony walkman, drowning in the ballads as i stare at the back of that cute cute boy's head. to electric blue mascara and tapered jeans (ok.. i didnt say all GOOD memories). i am so feeling the music.. its incredible, all these people behind me and not many in front. i kinda feel like its my own personal show...

WAIT! it IS my own personal show!

what the hell is this? i bet as soon as you bought your ticket you dug out your old cassettes and started listening. i bet you laughed at the memories of having their posters on your bedroom walls. i bet you told everyone you were going to see these guys. i bet you paid through the nose for a sitter and maybe even took tomorrow off work. why are you sitting on your ass? yes friends, my girlfriend and i were the ONLY people dancing. whatEVER. whatthefuckever. this is a rock concert. get over it. we go nuts.

you can tell the band is disappointed in the crowd. at one point they actually sit down. (i am SO glad i dont live there!!), we try to make up for it. we manage to get the girls in front of us to dance too, but only for one song. these guys play an unreal set. we are so feeling it. they finish with my favorite song and i sing so loud i am sure they could hear me in the balcony. the band thanks us (yes, really!) and there is a break before the next group takes the stage.

i need water and air. we go outside. people comment to us about how much fun we seem to be having. hello? SEEM to be? yes ladies and gentlemen this IS fun... try it, you know you want to.

the evening progressed with little more to tell, other than we managed to collect a few willing participants and make our way to the front of the stage where there was more room to dance. i found my spot, right in front of the speakers. i just let the music take over from there. nothing like live music. nothing. (how can people not dance?!!)

the final song is a huge hit which brings the people to their feet. too little too late. i look out at them, they 'seem to be having fun'. bet you wish you woulda stood up 2 hours ago...suckas!

i am home now. i am dehydrated. i am sore. my legs feel like jelly and my ears are plugged. my throat hurts and my mascara has melted. but i promise you that i had more fun that anyone else in that theatre. anyone.