warning: perfect shoes may imapair judgement

[02 Feb 2006 | Thursday]

i've been wearing this pair of shoes for quite awhile. they are sweetass black suede vans with lilac accent. very very comfortable. i can put them on without untying them. and they go with everything... almost. i have a 'thing' for footwear so its funny that i have gotten so attached to this one pair. thing is... i just love the way i feel when i have them on. sometimes i have to trade them in for a pair of stiletto boots or strappy slides or snowpaks. but when i get those vans back on, i just feel.. right. so today i am talking with my friend. and my shoes, they are getting so worn in. i might have to start looking for new shoes. i dont want to. what if i never find shoes like this again? what if... she makes me take off my shoes. to contemplate. to look at this issue in a completely unbiased manner. i beg her not to make me. she says "polly, hush. take off the shoes. i want to see you barefoot". so i take off my shoes. damn i have really cute feet. and i just painted my toes with an appropriately named polish - "pretty". i put on my diamond butterfly toe-ring and look at her. "ok" i say. "you got me out of my shoes. talk". the conversation that happened next really doesnt make a difference. its what happened during the conversation. by taking off the comfortable shoes. the safe shoes. and letting my toes wiggle around and think about what kind of shoes they REALLY want to be in. things just, made sense. barefeet must be a direct line to the brain, cuz dammit - i was thinking. clearly. plus.. my toes, they looked so.. well.. um.. pretty! we finished our chat. she said i could put my shoes back on. i told her i was afraid they might hurt my feet. she said if they did, i could always take them off. then she took me for ice cream.

life essentials and the little things

[31 Jan 2006 | Tuesday]

food. water. shelter. yes, the essentials of life. but what are YOUR essentials? what can you not live without? at first thought you probably ramble off a slew of things that really, when faced with going "without" you actually WOULD survive. so think long, and think hard. what are your essentials? i have 4. love music coffee mascara really. those are my 4 essentials. without any of them, my world would fall apart. love, both giving and receiving, is my reason for being. it is the heart of me. the reason i wake up. music is my soul. it carries me from the time i wake up until i sleep again. it rules my energy. it impacts my performance, my emotions and my attitude. not a minute goes by when there is not music - even if its just me, singing inside my head. i am dancing... always. coffee. my fuel. a 20oz dark roast add triple shot espresso with cream is beautiful in the morning. maybe a licorice latte in the afternoon. just make sure its fresh and its strong and its hot. and mascara. yes. mascara. because nothing says "im awake, im alive and im listening" better than a fresh coat of dark brown. trust me. its the fix. so now you have your essentials. what is next? all the little things. YES the little things. the treats that make your days special. the things that you look forward to. the things you appreciate. the things you are thankful for. the things that make you comfortable. the things that make you smile. and although i know i could not possibly list all of my little things... i think the following is a good start.... 3x5" post it notes (yellow) the smell of rain on pavement wine gums fresh magazines with thick matte paper perfect nectarines the word 'luscious' GORGEOUS the lake people who say thank you - and mean it a poem that doesnt rhyme healthy hair sleeping in long drives (to nowhere) black sharpie fine point permanent markers wasabi the sound of tattoo guns friday nights documentaries kissing a perfectly worn in pair of jeans butterflies going out for breakfast - in the afternoon capturing the moment with a single frame the color brown listening to my daughter read the ambiguously gay duo finding new music that is so good i listen to it in my winamp, my mp3 player AND in my car christmas tree ornaments great comebacks cold beer call display killer shoes winning the game stars my mom's pancakes pedicures [Lilly] campfires wax daisies a really good bottle of cabernet/shiraz insanely long hot showers irc silent conversations darts crossword puzzles you so make your list. keep your list. change it. add to it. make sure you have ample supply of essentials. and then always remember the little things.

home.

[30 Jan 2006 | Monday]

The world before you has fallen to pieces. and there is this one piece that is solid. it is the one thing that is holding all these pieces from tumbling over the edge. like a dam. fragments, everywhere; all pushing up against this one wall. you pray that this one piece will never falter. it will hold strong and keep all the pieces in one place, in case u ever manage to fit them back together. rebuild. how strong is that wall? how much pressure can it take? will it withstand the constant push... then, one day, you look at all these pieces. the terrible mess of destruction. massive pieces; chunky. heavy. smaller jagged pieces; sharp shards. and dust. so much dust you realize you will never be able to rebuild what once stood before you. so you call on all your strength and you put your hands on this one solid piece. the foundation of everything that has fallen. the strength that has held everything together. solid. you can feel your energy and you know. you know that once you push this final standing piece, the landscape will be changed. forever. and you yell. and you push. and the tears stream down your face; causing a torrent flood that carries the ruins over the edge. the pieces rush past you with such fierce speed. crashing. shattering. the fallen, broken pieces. the ruins. vanished. and you wipe your tears. and the dust settles. and a few small pieces remain. some will get buried underneath your new building. some will become part of the landscape. some will stay until the wind blows. you take one last look over the edge. that solid piece. the one that held everything together. dead. buried beneath the rubble. some of the pieces have fallen together to create new structures. others have hit hard. bounced a further distance. chipped and broken. far away. alone. the wind blows. and you find shelter. and it is warm. and it is beautiful. The pieces that so desperately needed to tumble. The pieces that needed your push. They are in their place. And you are home.

girlfriend bah.

[26 Jan 2006 | Thursday]

those who know me know i dont do well with women. sure i have some amazing girlfriends that i love with all my heart and soul. but for everyday purposes? sorry girls, give me the boys club anyday. i will probably get thrown to the dogs for this but, to be completely honest? girlfriends are just too much damn work. a little story for you (all names have been changed to protect the innocent - and the insane): i'm talking to my friend. he is distraught because him and his girlfriend were going out for a nice time and it turned ugly. he (and i have no reason to doubt him) says his girlfriend freaked out at him for NO reason. none at all. i ask all the pertainent questions.. are you SURE you didnt do anything stupid? cuz, you know.. boys are stupid. he assures me he did nothing. so i say fine. im gonna tell you about girls. nothing is easy with girls. nothing. nothing makes sense. nothing. just when you think youve figured girls out, they will slap you in the face with something new. with girls there is always an exception (or 20) to the rule. stop trying to "get" them and just let them "be" them. this is the way girls are built. let me give you an example: eg 1: boy 1 - lets go for a beer. boy 2 - ok. eg 2: boy: lets go for a beer. girl: (thinking to herself) why does he want to go for a beer? does he love me? or does he just want to get me drunk and take me to bed. i refuse to let that happen. unless, of course, he buys me dinner too. (outloud) hmmm. im not sure if i should be drinking. maybe we could go get a bite to eat instead? boy: ok. as long as there is beer. where do you want to go? girl: (thinking to herself) if we go to cafe 'a' girl 2 will be working. and i think he was with her once. if we go there, he might want her again. but then again, i could rub it in her face that i am with him now. OR we could go to restaurant 'a' and i could get dressed up! (outloud) i dont know. where do you want to go? boy: wherever. im not really hungry. i will eat anything. i just want a beer. girl: ok. lets go to cafe 'a'. let me quickly freshen up. boy: ok. i will have a beer. hurry. girl: (thinking to herself) what should i wear? jeans. yes. jeans. with my new blue top. but then he will think i am trying to hard. i will wear my sweater. too casual? pause to try on 6 different outfits, hate them all, complain she is fat and put on the clothes she had on in the first place... boy: ready hun? girl: oh my GOD! stop rushing me! its not easy being beautiful! 25 mins later... boy: ready? girl: (thinking to herself) he didnt say i looked nice. i do look fat. i knew i should have worn the new shirt. i hope girl 2 looks like crap today. she is such a bitch. (outloud) honey, you are so quiet, what are you thinking? boy: i want a beer. girl: (outloud) fine. dont tell me. (thinking to herself) he is hoping she is working tonight. silence... enter cafe 'a' girl: (thinking to herself) grrr. she is working tonight. and she looks great. except for her hair, what was she thinking? i think she put on some weight too. i knew i should have worn something else. he cant keep his eyes off her! (outloud) oh SHE is working here now? i didnt know that. boy: who? girl: (thinking to herself) WHO? he doesnt even remember sleeping with her? what an asshole. boy: do you want a beer? girl: NO! i dont even know why i am here with you in the first place. you cant even remember the girls you have been with. i look fat. you dont love me. take me home. i hate you. my friend listens (really, he does) and then says "huh" and goes to grab a beer. he comes back and says, "polly? how come you are not a 'girl'? how come its easy with you?" i reply, "cuz i'm an exception to the rule and i just want the damn beer"

buy this (it will change your life)

[23 Jan 2006 | Monday]

have you ever wanted to purchase something and been completely overwhelmed by the choices? so many products of virtual duplicity, yet each calling to you in their unique way. one housed in thick clear plastic with colorful labels strategically adhered so as to just hide what is inside. one inside a cardboard box with a relatively descriptive label and endless consumer warnings. one in its tattered packaging, a glaring discount sticker slapped across its face... which do you choose? are they all the same inside? you peruse the book section. rows of bestsellers with thier strategic cover art. stunning photographs and intricate illustrations. splashed quotes from critics promising you wont be able to tear yourself away. you read the synopsis. a nice overview of the story which will unfold as you turn every crisp white page. each contain a different story... which do you chose? they say you cant judge a book by its cover... do you? you stop to pick up food. overwhelmed with promises of low fat, no fat, 0 carbs, sugar free... guaranteed fresh. finest quality ingredients. organic. no additives. fully processed. homogonized. made with real fruit juice. vegetarian. vegan. 100% grain fed beef. free range. free prize. buy one get one free. you study the prices. all different. but inside they are all the same. arent they? ..and then, even when you have everything you need. everything you came for... do you grab a magazine on impulse as you wait in line because it tells you it will make your life easier in 12 steps? renovate a house for less than one month's mortgage payment? pimp your ride? will show you how to dress? will tell you what to wear when that special someone finally wants to take you out (thanks to your the new makeover tricks on pg 22). do you casually turn the glossy pages filled with photographs of the beautiful people. can these pages of paid advertising really change your life forever? marketing. packaging. promises. the lure. the beauty. the appeal to the eye. you pick the most beautiful package; the product is inferior. you buy the book that everyone is talking about; you read, and reread, and read again, the first 6 pages. you fall asleep. there is no story. you choose the 'healthiest' groceries and take them home to find them tasteless. bland. you were fooled. betrayed by the candy which sweetened your eye. maybe the magazine you bought can fix this? maybe. what if everything looked the same and the only way to choose your products was by what was on the inside? would you then be able to make your choices based on the quality of craftsmanship? the actual words? the real story? the true ingredients? could you truly accept the possibility that inside that generic package, that blank book jacket, that silver foil wrapper you may just find exactly what you were looking for? you think about that while i flip through this magazine ;-)

dance motherfuckers. dance.

so i went to a concert tonight - small venue, maybe 800 ppl or so? a nice theatre with great sound. 2 chartopping bands from my highschool days (yes - way back 80's tracks.. lots of hair.. you get the picture?).

the concert was in another city so we decided to go early, get parking, have some dinner... drinks? yes, of course drinks. we hit this pub close to where we need to be get menus and order drinks - i was killer thirsty and downed that baby in 2 sips (in my defence it was a VERY short drink). the place is packed with concert goers (including one chick who i swear hadn't changed her hairstyle since she danced her acid washed jordache ass off at her junior prom... actually now that i think about it, there was enough hairspray in that bleached out mane that its possible it was actually still styled from that night?!). we check the time and decide that food is probably not going to be a possibility with the slow service and continuous stream of pub crawlers. next stop liquor store.

with nothing in me other than the vodka appetizer i had at the pub (mixed with juice tho - so a bit of nutrition folks!), i dont suppose fireball (cinnamon whiskey for those who dont know) was the best choice for a main course. we sit in our car with our music blaring drinking straight from the bottle still wrapped in its paper bag... (thats a sad little image right there, no?). we watch as people hurry past trying to get there before the show... i convince my crew to chill for a bit, listen to some more music, have a few more sips... our seats arent going anywhere.

we get inside just as the opening act is walking to the stage. its dark and we have never been to this theatre. KILLER seats (not that we actually needed the seats.. more on that later) and the sound is amazing. i am ready to completely rock out and hope the people behind us are too. the first group plays all the crowd favorites, mixed with a few new tracks and the odd b side. i scream and jump and dance and sing... i am SO transported back to memories of riding the bus with my cereal box sized sony walkman, drowning in the ballads as i stare at the back of that cute cute boy's head. to electric blue mascara and tapered jeans (ok.. i didnt say all GOOD memories). i am so feeling the music.. its incredible, all these people behind me and not many in front. i kinda feel like its my own personal show...

WAIT! it IS my own personal show!

what the hell is this? i bet as soon as you bought your ticket you dug out your old cassettes and started listening. i bet you laughed at the memories of having their posters on your bedroom walls. i bet you told everyone you were going to see these guys. i bet you paid through the nose for a sitter and maybe even took tomorrow off work. why are you sitting on your ass? yes friends, my girlfriend and i were the ONLY people dancing. whatEVER. whatthefuckever. this is a rock concert. get over it. we go nuts.

you can tell the band is disappointed in the crowd. at one point they actually sit down. (i am SO glad i dont live there!!), we try to make up for it. we manage to get the girls in front of us to dance too, but only for one song. these guys play an unreal set. we are so feeling it. they finish with my favorite song and i sing so loud i am sure they could hear me in the balcony. the band thanks us (yes, really!) and there is a break before the next group takes the stage.

i need water and air. we go outside. people comment to us about how much fun we seem to be having. hello? SEEM to be? yes ladies and gentlemen this IS fun... try it, you know you want to.

the evening progressed with little more to tell, other than we managed to collect a few willing participants and make our way to the front of the stage where there was more room to dance. i found my spot, right in front of the speakers. i just let the music take over from there. nothing like live music. nothing. (how can people not dance?!!)

the final song is a huge hit which brings the people to their feet. too little too late. i look out at them, they 'seem to be having fun'. bet you wish you woulda stood up 2 hours ago...suckas!

i am home now. i am dehydrated. i am sore. my legs feel like jelly and my ears are plugged. my throat hurts and my mascara has melted. but i promise you that i had more fun that anyone else in that theatre. anyone.

earth angel

[20 Jan 2006 | Friday]

there are angels among us. i know this to be true because i have one. my own personal angel. i havent seen my angel for a long while. they are in high demand and short supply and, after all, life's been good... right. life's been good. thats when it comes up and slaps you in the face and says, hey bitch, your smile quota has expired and we are taking your laughter as collateral and add an ounce of stress every day until you can payback. 2006 (all 19 days of it) has been a real ride. i cant even say its been a rollercoaster because there havent been any ups. no.. its been more like screaming down the side of a mountain at full speed, with absolutely no sense of direction or groomed trails, on a crap bike with no helmet and brakes that may, or may not, work. some of you might be thinking, come on polly, it cant be THAT bad... well yes. yes, it can. and it is. or was. for the moment i am stopped.. hanging on for dear life, wiping the sweat from my forehead and catching my breath.. which is hard when u r in the mountains in the winter - thin air and cold weather make for sore lungs.so here i am. stopped. looking down to the bottom and wondering how i am going to get there when, from out of nowhere, my angel appears. i didnt call... i didnt have to. angels just know when they are needed i suppose.so angel takes this bike and fixes the brakes and hands me a helmet. (angels will help you down the path but there is no free ride - if there is, check for wings) without saying a word we start walking down the path (it was NOT here.. i know it wasnt!). angel doesnt ask questions. angel doenst give advice. angel doesnt really do or say anything. angel is just there. being angel. angel is gone now (as mentioned, high demand/short supply). im not at the bottom, but the path makes for a much smoother ride, i know my brakes work and i have a helmet in case i land on my head. i also know that angel is watching. and even though its winter and the mountain air is thin and cold. i feel like i can breathe.

ID please.

[19 Jan 2006 | Thursday]

age. why is it such an obsession? how come the young cant wait to be old? so they can get jobs and make money to purchase anti aging creams for obscene amounts of money and undergo surgeries that promise them that youthful look? why do we label it young and old? and who decides the line? how old are you? do you know? how old am i? i have no idea. i dont think im old... ive had 32 birthdays (and another one coming up - which is excellent, cuz to me birthdays mean parties and everyone knows i love parties!). i know i have had more birthdays than most of my friends. and that brings up more questions. why do i, a woman of 32 birthdays.. a wife.. a mom.. a woman who spends her workdays with business owners, politicians and investors, feel compelled to spend my free time with those who havent had as many candles on their cake? what could we possibly have in common? here's the deal. at the end of the day, i want to come home and put away all those people who walk around and say "oooh i feel so old". i dont want to think about my retirement plan. i dont want to go to your silly tupperware party. i dont want to look for a coupon that will save me 30 cents on a can of tomatoes and i certainly dont want to talk to you on the phone about what recipe i will use to make cookies for the weekend bakesale. NO. i want to come home and turn my music on LOUD. i want to kiss my daughter and ask her about her day before she asks me to turn it up louder. so she can dance. so WE can dance. i want to take some pictures. i want to talk to my (young) friends about whats going on this weekend. i want to have a couple beers or some gin or some wine or maybe smoke a joint. i want to check out some sites, find some good new music, chat with someone ive never talked to before. i want to learn about the world around me... and i dont mean what kind of laundry detergent you use or whether you wash in hot or cold.. i mean i want to know whats going on with the people who will own the world sooner that you would like to believe. yes, thats right. the "young". i want to twirl my pigtails around my fingers and color my hair pink, or black, or both. i want to eat cereal for dinner and pizza for breakfast... IF i choose to eat breakfast. and on the weekend, dont call early, cuz ive probably been up all night. dont get me wrong. i have alot of friends that have had more birthdays than i have. and they wonder the same thing you do. why do i prefer to spend time with people who were born of a whole other decade? why? because while you are busy being old and worrying about "kids these days" i am enjoying life while i've got it. if i am going to be forced to play the old vs. young game i may as well be playing for the winning team.

life. period.

[17 Jan 2006 | Tuesday]

irl? ok folks lets get something clear. life is life. period. so i live some of it online and some of it offline. but its all "real" to me. if i am talking to you online, you might be lying your ass off, but you are still a person (unless you have coded an amazingly responsive bot...). you might not disclose every detail of your surroundings and you may pick and choose what part of your life you expose. but is that any different than the people i meet in person? yes, you can be whoever you want to be and you can be here for whatever purpose you see fit. but it is still real. and it is still life. time does not stop. do you not think that the people i meet face to face every fucking day are not lying through their teeth, hiding, running, embellishing and trying to impress? do you think they are not pretending to be something they are not? do you think they are really any different than you because they live in your so-called "real life?". you say you dont believe that online interaction creates emotional reaction? do you not lol at the things people say? do you not :) and :( and :S and :O ??? emotion doesnt need to mean pain and suffering. emotion doesnt need to mean love. emotions are feelings, and feelings are infinite. and if you are experiencing nothing, then what the hell are you here for? dont be fooled by the box before you. the person you are speaking to on the other side is feeling SOMETHING. maybe its happiness, maybe its anger. perhaps sadness. stress. irritation. curiousity.... people are people whether they stand before you or they are typing furiously from across 2 oceans. the people i meet on the street might call me by a different name, but they are still talking to me, the same person that you are; the real me. and i am telling them the same things that i tell you. so dont ask me how things are irl. life is life. period.

you never really know how many people love you until you die.

[16 Jan 2006 | Monday]

stop. say i love you. give hugs. big hugs. long hugs. tight hugs. listen, listen hard. understand. say i love you. say i love you. say i love you. (for cryssy. who is hugging every angel she meets along the way...and spanking the sexy ones)