im not waiting
for miracles
or first sight
or the light
thats right
im not waiting
for see
or what may be
or he
or me
im not waiting
for sweeping feet
hearts that beat
faster
catch me if you can
play cat and mouse
with boys
man,
im not waiting
for ever after
constant laughter
hugs and kisses
wedded bliss is
not my destination
its a journey
not a plan
im not waiting
if you're coming
catch me
if you can.
drawing a blank
a simple question
draws a blank
nothing
is
blatantly
obvious.
by design,
this blinding white
creates a map of clear direction.
my selection
is the story of your life.
draws a blank
nothing
is
blatantly
obvious.
by design,
this blinding white
creates a map of clear direction.
my selection
is the story of your life.
mosaic
this is your mess
im stepping on
pierce the skin
of tender feet
im seasoned when it comes to all
except for here
im green.
i dont have horses
i dont have men
how do i put you together again?
dont.
some pieces, more desirable,
when broken from the whole
fit nicely with new fragments
of mind; of heart; of soul.
from new perspective
comes new light
reflecting from below
tread gently where ive never been
but badly want to go.
choose the pieces wisely
inlay them next to mine
shards like glass
of shattered past
creates this new design.
like beauty
this exhibit lies
(in the eyes
of the beholder)
where you find it;
there, it lives
lost among the classics
this is modern art.
im stepping on
pierce the skin
of tender feet
im seasoned when it comes to all
except for here
im green.
i dont have horses
i dont have men
how do i put you together again?
dont.
some pieces, more desirable,
when broken from the whole
fit nicely with new fragments
of mind; of heart; of soul.
from new perspective
comes new light
reflecting from below
tread gently where ive never been
but badly want to go.
choose the pieces wisely
inlay them next to mine
shards like glass
of shattered past
creates this new design.
like beauty
this exhibit lies
(in the eyes
of the beholder)
where you find it;
there, it lives
lost among the classics
this is modern art.
i dont belong here
porcelain grins
so slick with syrup
in sugar coats
and shoes to match.
[a bad accident]
i cant bear to watch;
the tragically glamorous
come sickly amorous.
all loud
to be heard?
to be scene?
switch from princess to queen
in the blink of spider eyes;
bleed wishes wrung from heart's despise.
i no longer recognize
this picture painted
completely tainted
what is real;
what is wise.
hollow fills to full capacity
as faux rapture leads to capture
of moments before mornings
without sun.
empty has begun
to fill the place once saved
for feeling
breath is wasted
on mouths of bitter.
this black canvas
uninspired.
where once was muse
sparks lit this fuse
and fizzled.
anticipation killed the destination
imitation isnt flattery.
your form is unappealing
to the naked i
home is where the heart is.
i dont belong here.
so slick with syrup
in sugar coats
and shoes to match.
[a bad accident]
i cant bear to watch;
the tragically glamorous
come sickly amorous.
all loud
to be heard?
to be scene?
switch from princess to queen
in the blink of spider eyes;
bleed wishes wrung from heart's despise.
i no longer recognize
this picture painted
completely tainted
what is real;
what is wise.
hollow fills to full capacity
as faux rapture leads to capture
of moments before mornings
without sun.
empty has begun
to fill the place once saved
for feeling
breath is wasted
on mouths of bitter.
this black canvas
uninspired.
where once was muse
sparks lit this fuse
and fizzled.
anticipation killed the destination
imitation isnt flattery.
your form is unappealing
to the naked i
home is where the heart is.
i dont belong here.
20 things we've learned from facebook.
1. the more walls you have, the more people you keep out.
2. the definition of friend now includes family members, celebrities, pets, anyone you've captured in the background of a photo taken during your last drunken episode, the kids you couldnt stand at school, the kids who couldnt stand you at school, anyone you have ever sent an email to, 4 people with the same name (because you didnt know which one was the one you really know when you searched). sometimes the definition may be expanded to include a portion of all aforementioned friends friends (formerly known as acquaintances). it does not, however, include your teacher or your boss.
3. myspace really DOES suck.
4. the world is full of vampires, zombies, sith lords, ninjas, pirates, hos and bros
5. you have to be friends with someone before you can have a relationship with them.
6. theres a very good chance that "met randomly" really means "hooked up" (it just wasnt sensational)
7. we are all voyeuristic. someone is stalking you now. yes, right now.
8. we finally really know what kind of lover, drink, sex position, superhero and vegetable we are
9. going for coffee has become an "event"
10. we are not alone. addicted to cheese? appreciate mullets? send drunken texts? a procrastinating perfectionist? a loner? want to see someone do something incredibly stupid or humiliating when they achieve their membership goal? join the group.
11. wall-to-wall is the new eavesdropping.
12. "skip this step" is there for a reason.
13. illitracy is a live and whell.
14. poking leads to kissing (remember when it was the other way around?).
15. guinea pigs, giraffes and garden gnomes are all hatched from eggs with a 4 day incubation period. the same length of time it takes to grow orchids, money and disco balls.
16. no matter how non judgmental we claim to be, we constantly compare our friends to one another.
17. cross border shopping really does save you money...you can buy your friends almost anything for $1 USD
18. we've all mastered the drunken arm-outstretched-down-angle snapshot in the same way those clowns mastered the volkswagon.
19. we all always "is" something.
20. nothing is sacred.
2. the definition of friend now includes family members, celebrities, pets, anyone you've captured in the background of a photo taken during your last drunken episode, the kids you couldnt stand at school, the kids who couldnt stand you at school, anyone you have ever sent an email to, 4 people with the same name (because you didnt know which one was the one you really know when you searched). sometimes the definition may be expanded to include a portion of all aforementioned friends friends (formerly known as acquaintances). it does not, however, include your teacher or your boss.
3. myspace really DOES suck.
4. the world is full of vampires, zombies, sith lords, ninjas, pirates, hos and bros
5. you have to be friends with someone before you can have a relationship with them.
6. theres a very good chance that "met randomly" really means "hooked up" (it just wasnt sensational)
7. we are all voyeuristic. someone is stalking you now. yes, right now.
8. we finally really know what kind of lover, drink, sex position, superhero and vegetable we are
9. going for coffee has become an "event"
10. we are not alone. addicted to cheese? appreciate mullets? send drunken texts? a procrastinating perfectionist? a loner? want to see someone do something incredibly stupid or humiliating when they achieve their membership goal? join the group.
11. wall-to-wall is the new eavesdropping.
12. "skip this step" is there for a reason.
13. illitracy is a live and whell.
14. poking leads to kissing (remember when it was the other way around?).
15. guinea pigs, giraffes and garden gnomes are all hatched from eggs with a 4 day incubation period. the same length of time it takes to grow orchids, money and disco balls.
16. no matter how non judgmental we claim to be, we constantly compare our friends to one another.
17. cross border shopping really does save you money...you can buy your friends almost anything for $1 USD
18. we've all mastered the drunken arm-outstretched-down-angle snapshot in the same way those clowns mastered the volkswagon.
19. we all always "is" something.
20. nothing is sacred.
you are here.
the future is not mine
to see
now is all i know
and i know now
that what i see
in front of me
is exactly
where i want to be.
to see
now is all i know
and i know now
that what i see
in front of me
is exactly
where i want to be.
snow angel
i see snowflakes sparkle
drifting downward
are they really all that different?
to me they taste the same.
i melt them on my tongue;
they disappear.
circling in spirals
left alone they fall in place
make beds of thick blankets
and everything seems so bright;
(heavenly)
i keep forgetting this illusion
is created by the sun
of which there's only one.
yet i am blind and overcome
and so i fall...
the landing is never as soft
as hoped for.
i realize im no angel;
i still want to play.
drifting downward
are they really all that different?
to me they taste the same.
i melt them on my tongue;
they disappear.
circling in spirals
left alone they fall in place
make beds of thick blankets
and everything seems so bright;
(heavenly)
i keep forgetting this illusion
is created by the sun
of which there's only one.
yet i am blind and overcome
and so i fall...
the landing is never as soft
as hoped for.
i realize im no angel;
i still want to play.
pinches
reality
is only a figment of imagination;
our wildest dreams
manifested.
what is real?
only perception can tell.
dreams, it seems
come true.
be careful what you wish for
is only a figment of imagination;
our wildest dreams
manifested.
what is real?
only perception can tell.
dreams, it seems
come true.
be careful what you wish for
hard to swallow
the girl opened her eyes
as bare feet touched ground.
she walked to the cabinet
and stared with a frown.
gazing at bottles
of yellow, blue, red
choice of daily emoition
she weighed in her head.
its a sad day for me
if my choice is blue
moping and eating
with nothing to do
i'll cry and i'll sleep
no visitors; no calls
depressing thoughts
and bare white walls.
if i choose red
i'll be filled with rage,
bitter hate and fuck your way.
i'll smash and break
i'll scream and yell.
i'll damn the world.
its my personal hell.
if i choose yellow
im sure to find love
its the logical choice
and its been long enough
i can fill my mind with butterflies;
joyfully be hypnotized
as i float through the day
in a lovely trance
i'll sing
i'll spin
i'll hum
i'll dance
the girl couldnt decide
and so she took two;
one of the red
one of the blue.
i feel better with purple right now
she said
'cause when yellow wears off
i would rather be dead
as bare feet touched ground.
she walked to the cabinet
and stared with a frown.
gazing at bottles
of yellow, blue, red
choice of daily emoition
she weighed in her head.
its a sad day for me
if my choice is blue
moping and eating
with nothing to do
i'll cry and i'll sleep
no visitors; no calls
depressing thoughts
and bare white walls.
if i choose red
i'll be filled with rage,
bitter hate and fuck your way.
i'll smash and break
i'll scream and yell.
i'll damn the world.
its my personal hell.
if i choose yellow
im sure to find love
its the logical choice
and its been long enough
i can fill my mind with butterflies;
joyfully be hypnotized
as i float through the day
in a lovely trance
i'll sing
i'll spin
i'll hum
i'll dance
the girl couldnt decide
and so she took two;
one of the red
one of the blue.
i feel better with purple right now
she said
'cause when yellow wears off
i would rather be dead
rush
its the rush
that stops us
dead in tracks;
two hearts attack.
heads in clouds but
rips through silver linings
like lightning,
we bolt.
tearing at the speed of sound;
never even left the ground.
life happens backwards;
craves new beginnings
spins perception into thoughts
like hurricanes
funnel through mouths
spitting rain
captured by the rapture
of premature infatuation
or is this calm before the storm
of something real
of something warm.
that stops us
dead in tracks;
two hearts attack.
heads in clouds but
rips through silver linings
like lightning,
we bolt.
tearing at the speed of sound;
never even left the ground.
life happens backwards;
craves new beginnings
spins perception into thoughts
like hurricanes
funnel through mouths
spitting rain
captured by the rapture
of premature infatuation
or is this calm before the storm
of something real
of something warm.
fall to sixth
face forward
to the wind;
it moves me...
can you feel it?
whispers of the unknown
screaming in my ears
cast tears
from closed eyes.
warming up
is the hardest part
from where we start.
and we're frozen...
yet so sweet
when
drenched with heat;
passion of the unknown.
i grant you the power
of the rising sun
and yet
you let
it set
you think i cant see in the dark
but twilight sharpens my senses
taste
salt
smell
fear.
hear
nothing
feel
more...
fall to sixth
point blank
and reason;
i never lie
to myself
to the wind;
it moves me...
can you feel it?
whispers of the unknown
screaming in my ears
cast tears
from closed eyes.
warming up
is the hardest part
from where we start.
and we're frozen...
yet so sweet
when
drenched with heat;
passion of the unknown.
i grant you the power
of the rising sun
and yet
you let
it set
you think i cant see in the dark
but twilight sharpens my senses
taste
salt
smell
fear.
hear
nothing
feel
more...
fall to sixth
point blank
and reason;
i never lie
to myself
break in to me
i wrote some words
yet none have heard
songs true that sing
inside my soul
its here where i feel whole
but spoken
becomes broken
meaning trapped between my lips
i dont dare whisper...
but write;
seems right
password
lock
key
me
.
yet none have heard
songs true that sing
inside my soul
its here where i feel whole
but spoken
becomes broken
meaning trapped between my lips
i dont dare whisper...
but write;
seems right
password
lock
key
me
.
tiny little moment
how will i ever know
what i want?
and
what i need?
perhaps
happily after ever
wanting never
needing knowing
is the moment when i'll see.
what i want?
and
what i need?
perhaps
happily after ever
wanting never
needing knowing
is the moment when i'll see.
decoupage
recklessly abandoning tangible thoughts
in pursuit of irrelevant happenstance
i take chances with moments
subconsciously wishing for nothing
(is as it seems)
pinch pieces of dreams
with fire burned edges
and fit them together;
create a puzzle collage
lacquering layers
of horses and kings and knights and players
but still feeling the fray
of disconnect
where they intersect
and pulling ideas
that stick out in my mind
(revealing nothing behind)
in pursuit of irrelevant happenstance
i take chances with moments
subconsciously wishing for nothing
(is as it seems)
pinch pieces of dreams
with fire burned edges
and fit them together;
create a puzzle collage
lacquering layers
of horses and kings and knights and players
but still feeling the fray
of disconnect
where they intersect
and pulling ideas
that stick out in my mind
(revealing nothing behind)
better than nothing.
perhaps i was wrong. perhaps it isnt worth knowing the joy regardless of the pain.
maybe its just easier to settle on whats possible.
i suppose its better than
nothing.
maybe its just easier to settle on whats possible.
i suppose its better than
nothing.
losing my reflection
searching for new angles in this hall of mirrors i find myself a thousand times reflecting half the story with reversed assumptions bouncing back onto myself and causing glare and fucking with my instinct and confusing what i see and choosing wrong directions.
which one is really me?
a flash of new light brings fear suddenly seeing beyond myself and wondering how this missed impression escaped my sight i think and i look twice and i breathe and i look thrice.
where did i go?
see im looking through a window now.
and
when the sun shines just right i
see my transparent reflection
(but at least i know im here)
and
i can see the other side
its a beautiful view
which one is really me?
a flash of new light brings fear suddenly seeing beyond myself and wondering how this missed impression escaped my sight i think and i look twice and i breathe and i look thrice.
where did i go?
see im looking through a window now.
and
when the sun shines just right i
see my transparent reflection
(but at least i know im here)
and
i can see the other side
its a beautiful view
This is a Test
This is a test.
This author is conducting a test of the Emergency Blogging System.
This is only a test.
affect, affection, affectivity, agitation, anger, ardor, commotion, concern, desire, despair, despondency, disturbance, drive, ecstasy, elation, empathy, excitability, excitement, feeling, fervor, grief, gut reaction, happiness, inspiration, joy, love, melancholy, passion, perturbation, pride, rage, remorse, responsiveness, sadness, satisfaction, sensation, sensibility, sensitiveness, sentiment, shame, sorrow, sympathy, thrill, tremor, vehemence, vibes, warmth, zeal
This is a test of the Emergency Blogging System. This author, in voluntary cooperation with her ideas, thoughts and feelings, has developed this system to keep herself inspired in the event of an emergency. If this had been an actual emergency, including emotional breakdown, random acts of intensity, sudden awareness or unadulterated events resulting in visceral expression, the blog containing the aforementioned (but not limited to) emotions would have been created by way of cryptic messages and overindulgent metaphors. Certain areas may also have experienced loss of punctuation or flood by ellipses...
This concludes this test of the Emergency Blogging System.
This author is conducting a test of the Emergency Blogging System.
This is only a test.
affect, affection, affectivity, agitation, anger, ardor, commotion, concern, desire, despair, despondency, disturbance, drive, ecstasy, elation, empathy, excitability, excitement, feeling, fervor, grief, gut reaction, happiness, inspiration, joy, love, melancholy, passion, perturbation, pride, rage, remorse, responsiveness, sadness, satisfaction, sensation, sensibility, sensitiveness, sentiment, shame, sorrow, sympathy, thrill, tremor, vehemence, vibes, warmth, zeal
This is a test of the Emergency Blogging System. This author, in voluntary cooperation with her ideas, thoughts and feelings, has developed this system to keep herself inspired in the event of an emergency. If this had been an actual emergency, including emotional breakdown, random acts of intensity, sudden awareness or unadulterated events resulting in visceral expression, the blog containing the aforementioned (but not limited to) emotions would have been created by way of cryptic messages and overindulgent metaphors. Certain areas may also have experienced loss of punctuation or flood by ellipses...
This concludes this test of the Emergency Blogging System.
half way to the middle of fabricating the truth
this new found land
halfway between
fantastical nirvana
and dreaded bliss
at midpoint
we bleed ecstasy.
and dizzy does that;
vertigo...
dont look down
im falling up
and spins begin.
chasing spiral stairs
leads to nowhere
but more blank stares
and we blink before we think
.
holding hands,
like healing hearts,
is hard
(and haunted heads ache)
rock is solid;
lighthouse leads the way
yet still there is fog.
this new found land
halfway between
inevitable existence
and virtual duality.
foreigners speak the same language
and nothing is stranger
than fiction
come fact...
how will you react?
halfway between
fantastical nirvana
and dreaded bliss
at midpoint
we bleed ecstasy.
and dizzy does that;
vertigo...
dont look down
im falling up
and spins begin.
chasing spiral stairs
leads to nowhere
but more blank stares
and we blink before we think
.
holding hands,
like healing hearts,
is hard
(and haunted heads ache)
rock is solid;
lighthouse leads the way
yet still there is fog.
this new found land
halfway between
inevitable existence
and virtual duality.
foreigners speak the same language
and nothing is stranger
than fiction
come fact...
how will you react?
seasick
i walked alone along the shoreline
(eternally spotless, my mind)
over matter
skipping rocks
causing ripples
distorting reflection.
confusing
(my affection)
to the sea.
i could not see
beyond these mountains
cold tipped rocks
too great to skip
and heart goes flip...
instant attraction.
spells cast dark
like shadows
masked distraction.
ghosts of sharks
from the sea
i could not see.
sand sifts time
yet still i climb
dig picks to rock
(sparks fly)
my head is in the clouds now
but i can only float
on water.
summit brings thin air
its hard to breathe
when faced with most breathtaking views
what did i choose?
my mermaid laughter
lost in wind
and hooves make thunder
upon this glacier...
frozen
water
i see.
i still taste salt.
i found the fault
(the greatest crack
which widens the gap)
we shift.
icicle darts
make tsunami waves;
push me from the ledge.
sand.
i see
my footprints
where i was...
not so long ago.
i wring out my sunshine mind;
offer tea
from seashell cups.
the sea
i see.
im moving mountains.
(eternally spotless, my mind)
over matter
skipping rocks
causing ripples
distorting reflection.
confusing
(my affection)
to the sea.
i could not see
beyond these mountains
cold tipped rocks
too great to skip
and heart goes flip...
instant attraction.
spells cast dark
like shadows
masked distraction.
ghosts of sharks
from the sea
i could not see.
sand sifts time
yet still i climb
dig picks to rock
(sparks fly)
my head is in the clouds now
but i can only float
on water.
summit brings thin air
its hard to breathe
when faced with most breathtaking views
what did i choose?
my mermaid laughter
lost in wind
and hooves make thunder
upon this glacier...
frozen
water
i see.
i still taste salt.
i found the fault
(the greatest crack
which widens the gap)
we shift.
icicle darts
make tsunami waves;
push me from the ledge.
sand.
i see
my footprints
where i was...
not so long ago.
i wring out my sunshine mind;
offer tea
from seashell cups.
the sea
i see.
im moving mountains.
love and death
who says we have to find the one we will "spend the rest of our lives with"? if living life means constantly growing and learning and changing, then isnt who we are right now bound to change over the next 2 or 7 or 15 or 60 years? how do we know who we will be and what our needs will be in the future? cant we we just focus on being where and with who we belong with right now, enjoy each other, serve our purpose for sharing this time in our lives, learn from each other and grow accordingly... and then, when we find we are stagnant, we can accept that we are no longer meant to be together and part knowing that we have made each other better people and hope our next partnerships are of the same great value? i think that if we looked at life and partnerships this way, we wouldnt miss out on the great relationships we could and should be having - for fear of making the mistake of wondering if we are "truly meant to be together forever".
and when people say "they died before their time", i disagree. they died because it WAS their time. people die when they stop living. when they stop growing and learning. but they also die when they stop giving. when they stop teaching. or they die TO teach. one person's death brings lessons to many. lessons that would go unlearned if the dead were still alive...
live each day for the day. be who you are right now. learn your lessons. give of yourself so others may learn from you. teach and be taught.
that's life.
and when people say "they died before their time", i disagree. they died because it WAS their time. people die when they stop living. when they stop growing and learning. but they also die when they stop giving. when they stop teaching. or they die TO teach. one person's death brings lessons to many. lessons that would go unlearned if the dead were still alive...
live each day for the day. be who you are right now. learn your lessons. give of yourself so others may learn from you. teach and be taught.
that's life.
over easy
breakfast surprises
not dressed
in decor paper
and glitter bows
the way surprises
are supposed to be
for me
they come
stuffed inside
black lead balls
and drop
no bounce; no roll
and lie
and lie
and lie
i want to feel your
presence
so i shake
and poke
and try to guess whats inside
the closer i get
the deeper you hide.
why cant we find
one occasion
that fits
one occasion
that sits
well
balloons and bells
were never my forte
either
so we breathe
and lack excitement
fold ourselves into our lapse
of expression
share depression.
good morning...
not dressed
in decor paper
and glitter bows
the way surprises
are supposed to be
for me
they come
stuffed inside
black lead balls
and drop
no bounce; no roll
and lie
and lie
and lie
i want to feel your
presence
so i shake
and poke
and try to guess whats inside
the closer i get
the deeper you hide.
why cant we find
one occasion
that fits
one occasion
that sits
well
balloons and bells
were never my forte
either
so we breathe
and lack excitement
fold ourselves into our lapse
of expression
share depression.
good morning...
storybook romance
somehow tonight i understand the term "storybook romance" more than ever as our heroes, heroines, villains and thieves fill each page with tumultuous passion and daring escapades all in the name of love. we vie for the hero to find his beloved. we wait (not so) patiently for happily ever after. we cry and get angry. we weep with despair and celebrate the triumphs. we hope and dream and bite and scream. we ride the twists and turns and never know how it will end until we read the final chapter.
... unless we skip to the final page.
and that just ruins everything.
... unless we skip to the final page.
and that just ruins everything.
displaced
removed
from all i want
reacting
to nothing i know
your heart
beats
in a different world
called normal
displaced
misplaced
this space
between
echoes in early morning text messages
and ideas
and dreams.
they are not mine;
only spoken
by a girl most broken
by those she
trusts
she
loves
she
knows
but does she?
knowing needs
knowing breeds
sick passion
displaced
misplaced
action.
im sorry
im sorry
im sorry
im sorry
from all i want
reacting
to nothing i know
your heart
beats
in a different world
called normal
displaced
misplaced
this space
between
echoes in early morning text messages
and ideas
and dreams.
they are not mine;
only spoken
by a girl most broken
by those she
trusts
she
loves
she
knows
but does she?
knowing needs
knowing breeds
sick passion
displaced
misplaced
action.
im sorry
im sorry
im sorry
im sorry
lost in translation
dont you know that
no means
maybe
yes i should have
smoldered
when your fingers
touched my shoulder
but instead
i turned to ice
i cant play nice
its heat i seek to melt me
but instead im sure
you felt me
shiver
shudder
at the thought of breaking
frozen in the moment
making breath
breathe out
like frosty air
i do not care
i do NOT care
let me walk
before you talk
your quiet voice
surrounds me ringing
mute outside
while inside singing
all the songs you ever wrote
stick within my throat
yes i should have
maybe
just
said
no.
more...
no means
maybe
yes i should have
smoldered
when your fingers
touched my shoulder
but instead
i turned to ice
i cant play nice
its heat i seek to melt me
but instead im sure
you felt me
shiver
shudder
at the thought of breaking
frozen in the moment
making breath
breathe out
like frosty air
i do not care
i do NOT care
let me walk
before you talk
your quiet voice
surrounds me ringing
mute outside
while inside singing
all the songs you ever wrote
stick within my throat
yes i should have
maybe
just
said
no.
more...
small hands
i am holding
nothing solid;
too big for my hands
it crumbles
through my fingertips
the tighter i squeeze.
the sum of all parts
of the whole
is equal
to less of everything
i want
i need
i cant have it
if not all.
pieces only work
in puzzles and song
or candy coated chocolates.
(and even they begin to melt
with time and heat)
bittersweet.
all or nothing
is what im given
but all doesnt fit
and nothing only
proves a void
i couldnt see before...
but anyway.
i will always be the same.
give me nothing
or give me solid
a handful of crumbs is a waste of space...
i cant take it;
ive got
small hands
.
nothing solid;
too big for my hands
it crumbles
through my fingertips
the tighter i squeeze.
the sum of all parts
of the whole
is equal
to less of everything
i want
i need
i cant have it
if not all.
pieces only work
in puzzles and song
or candy coated chocolates.
(and even they begin to melt
with time and heat)
bittersweet.
all or nothing
is what im given
but all doesnt fit
and nothing only
proves a void
i couldnt see before...
but anyway.
i will always be the same.
give me nothing
or give me solid
a handful of crumbs is a waste of space...
i cant take it;
ive got
small hands
.
freedom's just another word for...
a wrinkle in time
finds me standing
between
what you thought you knew
and what i know is true
do you feel different now that...
you know?
and i know
and he knows i know
and so do we
has the truth set me free?
finds me standing
between
what you thought you knew
and what i know is true
do you feel different now that...
you know?
and i know
and he knows i know
and so do we
has the truth set me free?
(believe)
you will never know how important you are, to me. you will never know the impact you've had on my life. you will never know the significance you play. every day. thank you so much for all you have done to make me, me.
(believe)
you never cease to amaze me.
ps. your soul's not done yet.
(believe)
you never cease to amaze me.
ps. your soul's not done yet.
the off days
this revolving door
keeps spinning
i push
heavy on the date
that turns the on days
off.
you scoff
at my reflection
not to mention
the attention
we are opposites
at odds
cross wedges
as we turn
at equal pace
a constant race
without a win
yet still we spin.
three days
the sun shines in
watch through glass
too quickly pass
its dark inside
the off days.
searching for ways
to kill this curse;
just makes things worse.
keeps spinning
i push
heavy on the date
that turns the on days
off.
you scoff
at my reflection
not to mention
the attention
we are opposites
at odds
cross wedges
as we turn
at equal pace
a constant race
without a win
yet still we spin.
three days
the sun shines in
watch through glass
too quickly pass
its dark inside
the off days.
searching for ways
to kill this curse;
just makes things worse.
quest
i am in your eyes
you see
i cant change
the way you look at me.
you play by the book and
follow rules;
i'll search for clues
and pay my dues
with elves...
and sorcerers...
and harlots.
keep connecting dots
pour more shots -
a grand slam breakfast
on a mushroom cloud
a serious explosion
welcome to the next level.
black velvet sweeps the floor
as we dance
(apart)
how do we do this two step?
tango?
twelve step?
shotgun!
i shall ask the oracle...
i remember to not go back
to the places ive already been
i have already found what im looking for
there
i just didnt know why.
keep collecting thoughts
and items in my satchel.
the four cheeses lead me
to the cold metal chest.
i find water
and drink.
continue the quest.
chase the dragon.
capture the wizard.
music is my goddess given power...
this is what i draw
i know i will beat this game.
you see
i cant change
the way you look at me.
you play by the book and
follow rules;
i'll search for clues
and pay my dues
with elves...
and sorcerers...
and harlots.
keep connecting dots
pour more shots -
a grand slam breakfast
on a mushroom cloud
a serious explosion
welcome to the next level.
black velvet sweeps the floor
as we dance
(apart)
how do we do this two step?
tango?
twelve step?
shotgun!
i shall ask the oracle...
i remember to not go back
to the places ive already been
i have already found what im looking for
there
i just didnt know why.
keep collecting thoughts
and items in my satchel.
the four cheeses lead me
to the cold metal chest.
i find water
and drink.
continue the quest.
chase the dragon.
capture the wizard.
music is my goddess given power...
this is what i draw
i know i will beat this game.
archers
i give up
you give back
shoot arrows at my heart
attack me
when im down
grinding thoughts until im grounded
nothing matters of the heart
i press stop
you push start
you dont see me
but im here
confusion leads to something clear.
pluck arrows; take aim
both at fault with nobody to blame.
a final shot at fate complete.
done deal.
fait accomplit.
im sorry i missed you.
you give back
shoot arrows at my heart
attack me
when im down
grinding thoughts until im grounded
nothing matters of the heart
i press stop
you push start
you dont see me
but im here
confusion leads to something clear.
pluck arrows; take aim
both at fault with nobody to blame.
a final shot at fate complete.
done deal.
fait accomplit.
im sorry i missed you.
some heroine
try to illustrate the way
my heart sings onomatopoetic
like a comic book lover.
i marvel...
colours of primary
red
yellow
blue
and black so black;
pops the white
where i write
in words that come in sounds
of cacophonic proportions
stammer stutter stare stumble stuck. here.
i keep subscribing to these issues;
speed read and write the story
spill my guts
for glory
writer's block, the villain
blank holes and lead dust smudges
where the words once were
and ought to be
crumble under pressure.
stage fright is my kryptonite
tear another page.
i am some heroine.
my heart sings onomatopoetic
like a comic book lover.
i marvel...
colours of primary
red
yellow
blue
and black so black;
pops the white
where i write
in words that come in sounds
of cacophonic proportions
stammer stutter stare stumble stuck. here.
i keep subscribing to these issues;
speed read and write the story
spill my guts
for glory
writer's block, the villain
blank holes and lead dust smudges
where the words once were
and ought to be
crumble under pressure.
stage fright is my kryptonite
tear another page.
i am some heroine.
change.
and when we are forced to remember
everything we forgot might have changed
differences team up together
and nothing has only stayed same
we look at the faces we recognize
as someone we're certain we knew
and we laugh at the memories we harbour
in hearts that have broken in
too many times
as we settle ourselves very tightly
outstretched in our comfortable groove
squeezing in what we think comes tomorrow
as all yesterdays quickly sift through
we try as we may to hold on to
everything good in our past
but as mighty our fists tend to gather
only scatterbrained moments still last
we'll wander the streets of our lifetime
looking backwards at all that we've lost
disregarding what waits in the future
and avoiding right now at all cost
we fight and we fight and keep fighting
to ignore laws of life seems so strange
when the only thing proven for certain
shows the only thing certain is change.
everything we forgot might have changed
differences team up together
and nothing has only stayed same
we look at the faces we recognize
as someone we're certain we knew
and we laugh at the memories we harbour
in hearts that have broken in
too many times
as we settle ourselves very tightly
outstretched in our comfortable groove
squeezing in what we think comes tomorrow
as all yesterdays quickly sift through
we try as we may to hold on to
everything good in our past
but as mighty our fists tend to gather
only scatterbrained moments still last
we'll wander the streets of our lifetime
looking backwards at all that we've lost
disregarding what waits in the future
and avoiding right now at all cost
we fight and we fight and keep fighting
to ignore laws of life seems so strange
when the only thing proven for certain
shows the only thing certain is change.
i do.
remember when you used to sing to me all night every night while you watched the sun and smelled the ocean and i counted stars and sang along.
remember when i'd make you tea as i poured my martinis so we both could sip and tap fingertips
remember when we used to talk. no... i mean really. talk. and dream. perhaps we were talking in our sleep
remember...
japanese food
driving to nowhere
pink sweaters
love letters
art
time & confusion
cherry ice cream
and pi
i do. i do. i do.
remember when i'd make you tea as i poured my martinis so we both could sip and tap fingertips
remember when we used to talk. no... i mean really. talk. and dream. perhaps we were talking in our sleep
remember...
japanese food
driving to nowhere
pink sweaters
love letters
art
time & confusion
cherry ice cream
and pi
i do. i do. i do.
get the funk out
crazy days turn into
nights
and lights
lose sight
gain sound surround
yourself
with beauty
where you find it
bats fly
boys cry
sink to the bottom of the
bwomp swamp...
its murrrrrky.
let it go
free your soul -
get the funk out.
nights
and lights
lose sight
gain sound surround
yourself
with beauty
where you find it
bats fly
boys cry
sink to the bottom of the
bwomp swamp...
its murrrrrky.
let it go
free your soul -
get the funk out.
what i am is what i am
do you think you know me?
with all i have said
and all you have seen
do you believe i am a true representation
of who i really am?
and do you think you know me?
and if you do...
why are you still here?
with all i have said
and all you have seen
do you believe i am a true representation
of who i really am?
and do you think you know me?
and if you do...
why are you still here?
still life?
and so we contemplate
and analyze
follow every line.
we criticize
and ponder
how would you draw this differently?
would you change anything at all?
does the way the light
hits the paper
change the way
the artist intended us to look?
we drink our mochas
and wonder.
and wonder...
the image forever changes
as we imagine everything this piece could be
but at the end of the day
when our cups are empty
and the lights go out
and the sign says 'closed'
it is what it is
and always will be
a sketch pad
a flower pot
and you
and me.
half way to nowhere.
remind me again why i count numbers backwards for so many seconds of too many days waiting for the moment that will never happen as long as my eyes remain open.
maybe i should just...
sleep?
.
maybe i should just...
sleep?
.
Fast Car
So I remember when we were drivin',
Drivin' in your car,
Speeds so fast I felt like I was drunk,
City lights lay out before us,
And your arm felt nice wrapped round my shoulder,
And I, I had a feelin' that I belonged,
And I, I had a feelin' I could be someone,
Be someone, be someone.
I am sitting on my front porch. All I see is a moth fluttering against the yellowed light; a flickering shadow, larger than life. A beetle drinks from a worm.
And a million stars that go on forever...
My feet move and I startle myself. I dont know if I should go inside. Or if I should sit here and wait. Though I dont know, exactly, what I am waiting for.
So I wait for the worm to dissappear. And the beetle to walk away. For the moth to settle. I tuck my feet under myself. Its just me.
And a million stars that go on forever...
You got a fast car,
Is it fast so you can fly away?
You gotta make a decision,
Leave tonight or live and die this way.
[Tracy Chapman - Fast Car]
Drivin' in your car,
Speeds so fast I felt like I was drunk,
City lights lay out before us,
And your arm felt nice wrapped round my shoulder,
And I, I had a feelin' that I belonged,
And I, I had a feelin' I could be someone,
Be someone, be someone.
I am sitting on my front porch. All I see is a moth fluttering against the yellowed light; a flickering shadow, larger than life. A beetle drinks from a worm.
And a million stars that go on forever...
My feet move and I startle myself. I dont know if I should go inside. Or if I should sit here and wait. Though I dont know, exactly, what I am waiting for.
So I wait for the worm to dissappear. And the beetle to walk away. For the moth to settle. I tuck my feet under myself. Its just me.
And a million stars that go on forever...
You got a fast car,
Is it fast so you can fly away?
You gotta make a decision,
Leave tonight or live and die this way.
[Tracy Chapman - Fast Car]
spring break.
i dont want to play
schoolyard games
i scraped my knees
too many times
band-aids leaving
sticky squares
around the scabs
and remind me of the
bloody mess
you pushed me into.
truth or dare
i tiptoe when i play
hopscotch
shooting marbles
bouncing balls
catching jacks
and jills
and bills
and bobs
lets not skip rope
to the rhythm
of this song
lets stop singing
this song
that skips
listen for the bell
go back to class
listen
learn
i've graduated.
schoolyard games
i scraped my knees
too many times
band-aids leaving
sticky squares
around the scabs
and remind me of the
bloody mess
you pushed me into.
truth or dare
i tiptoe when i play
hopscotch
shooting marbles
bouncing balls
catching jacks
and jills
and bills
and bobs
lets not skip rope
to the rhythm
of this song
lets stop singing
this song
that skips
listen for the bell
go back to class
listen
learn
i've graduated.
mind your PQs
how will i get through this day? this *light* at the end of the tunnel is shining so bright that i can't see what's right in front of me, right now! my brain is leaking... i can feel it. drip drip drip. it fills my mouth. a taste i've never had before. or maybe i have. i can't remember.
it tastes like clover
and honey
and wine
and licorice
*superfluous* thoughts shoot from my mind
lazer beams
shining greens
strobing bright
flashlights
explosions
its only 2 o'clock.
getting back on track
i see obstacles ahead
at two fifteen
and regular intervals thereafter
i think i can
i think i can
i think i can...
~quiver~
it tastes like clover
and honey
and wine
and licorice
*superfluous* thoughts shoot from my mind
lazer beams
shining greens
strobing bright
flashlights
explosions
its only 2 o'clock.
getting back on track
i see obstacles ahead
at two fifteen
and regular intervals thereafter
i think i can
i think i can
i think i can...
~quiver~
silence is violence
we stay silent
to spare each other's feelings
which, consequentially
hurts even more
not knowing
gut wrenching
digs a pit
impossible to fill
say what you mean
mean what you say
don't linger...
the truth may hurt
but the silence
is violence
.
to spare each other's feelings
which, consequentially
hurts even more
not knowing
gut wrenching
digs a pit
impossible to fill
say what you mean
mean what you say
don't linger...
the truth may hurt
but the silence
is violence
.
the gambler
vegas odds were pretty good. i threw in my chips. i was feeling pretty lucky. i got caught up in the moment. a roll of the dice....
sucked in by the bright lights and smooth dealers. liquor lips smile like the devil.
looks like i lost... again.
sucked in by the bright lights and smooth dealers. liquor lips smile like the devil.
looks like i lost... again.
count on me.
Doesnt it suck when you really need someone to be there. And then they aren't? You can always count on me. One day maybe I will be lucky enough to find the same quality in someone else. Until then... blog on.
seasons change
we live in circular motion. seconds tick around the clock making minutes turn to hours into days throughout the month of every year through the decades in each century. the moon dances around planet earth as we spin every day; together orbiting the sun. and seasons change.
four seasons. each unique; bring something new. change. some good; some bad. spring fresh with babies and blossoms and puddles and mud slow roast baking as summer brings sunshine and beach sandy toes. long days with barbeques and beer and campfires while children forget to read and write and ride their bikes to the autumn heat with cool breeze evenings as green grows gold frost and vibrant red. trees shed leaving patchwork blankets on the ground waiting for winter white with brittle crystal-like ice patterns on windows. cold. fresh. death.
circles.
i know your seasons. and like all else revolving. so do you. a circular motion spinning through change. my moon, orbiting me as i spin faster than you do. and together we orbit in space. your seasons change. you are fresh and i breathe deep and splash in puddles that overflow with new. we laze through your summer days. music loud. good food. long drives. in autums i see change coming. sometimes you shine brighter than ever; bold colours making loud statements. "i am here. but i will be leaving. remember this moment. i am beautiful." and then comes winter. harsh. biting. cold snaps through me. i freeze. death.
i dont like winter. but i know it has to come. it is part of the circle of life. it brings closure. and with closure... starts anew. and i know spring will come again. such is the perfect circle; time. life. sun moon stars. seasons change.
i just need to weather the storm.
four seasons. each unique; bring something new. change. some good; some bad. spring fresh with babies and blossoms and puddles and mud slow roast baking as summer brings sunshine and beach sandy toes. long days with barbeques and beer and campfires while children forget to read and write and ride their bikes to the autumn heat with cool breeze evenings as green grows gold frost and vibrant red. trees shed leaving patchwork blankets on the ground waiting for winter white with brittle crystal-like ice patterns on windows. cold. fresh. death.
circles.
i know your seasons. and like all else revolving. so do you. a circular motion spinning through change. my moon, orbiting me as i spin faster than you do. and together we orbit in space. your seasons change. you are fresh and i breathe deep and splash in puddles that overflow with new. we laze through your summer days. music loud. good food. long drives. in autums i see change coming. sometimes you shine brighter than ever; bold colours making loud statements. "i am here. but i will be leaving. remember this moment. i am beautiful." and then comes winter. harsh. biting. cold snaps through me. i freeze. death.
i dont like winter. but i know it has to come. it is part of the circle of life. it brings closure. and with closure... starts anew. and i know spring will come again. such is the perfect circle; time. life. sun moon stars. seasons change.
i just need to weather the storm.
afterglow
i wrote some words. but they were *inappropriate*. so i deleted them.
(i will whisper them instead)
(i will whisper them instead)
i should run away and join the circus
i am a tightrope walker.
you have trained me well
ringmaster.
i walk a fine line.
this time i know
there is no safety net
i am doing
EVERYTHING
in my power
not to fall.
ladies and gentlemen
boys and girls
children of all ages
watch me....
i will
amaze
you.
you have trained me well
ringmaster.
i walk a fine line.
this time i know
there is no safety net
i am doing
EVERYTHING
in my power
not to fall.
ladies and gentlemen
boys and girls
children of all ages
watch me....
i will
amaze
you.
hurry up and wait
so the million dollar question goes like this:
do you take whats right in front of you because its almost as good as it gets?
or
do you wait for what may never come because its absolute perfection?
do you take whats right in front of you because its almost as good as it gets?
or
do you wait for what may never come because its absolute perfection?
open your mind and shut your mouth.
open your mind wide open. dream beyond imagination. visualize without comprimise.
dont...
dont...
DONT!
dont say a word.
if you dream it; it will happen.
if you speak it -
(shhhhhhhhhhh)
*it*
will
die
.
dont...
dont...
DONT!
dont say a word.
if you dream it; it will happen.
if you speak it -
(shhhhhhhhhhh)
*it*
will
die
.
sweet dreams
its one of those days
where i wish i could just lay in bed
all day
(with someone else)
and dream
without sleeping
explore the future
tomorrow
next week
next month
next year
next life
embrace fear
battle with passion
ideas for ammunition
we are brave
twisted into sheets
caffeine and pillows
dreams in daylight
nighttime details
flood the hours
the clock ticking by
as we document our plan
dotting our eyes
with kisses
and crossing our teas
with cream
just dive
just dream.
where i wish i could just lay in bed
all day
(with someone else)
and dream
without sleeping
explore the future
tomorrow
next week
next month
next year
next life
embrace fear
battle with passion
ideas for ammunition
we are brave
twisted into sheets
caffeine and pillows
dreams in daylight
nighttime details
flood the hours
the clock ticking by
as we document our plan
dotting our eyes
with kisses
and crossing our teas
with cream
just dive
just dream.
here i go again on my own.
i have so many thoughts tonight. im feeling.. well.. im not exactly sure what, or how, im feeling - or even why im feeling it. my head is swimming; i have been completely preoccupied inside my own head. its been awhile since i went there.... i have SO much i want to say, and none of it i feel i can say out loud or put down in words. ive been put back in my place - again. it hurts - alot. i want to shout but the words are stuck at the back of my throat. its hard to breathe.
*choked*
*choked*
pendulum
i feel like im swinging, legs wrapped around the teather... back and forth, back and forth. i imagine a tire swing - head leaning back - hair in my face. and wind. but instead of a tire, i am sitting on a weight... and the swinging is in slow motion. the pace is set and i reach both extremes; each time i reach the farthest possible point, that weightless *airpocket* feeling sets in. i dont know if it feels good... or bad. i kiss my angel. then my devil. then my angel... back and forth, back and forth.
i know i have made my decision. i know i have made the RIGHT decision. why question? why?
why do i always choose losing battles?
why do i always fight for things i have no business fighting for?
why cant i get off this damn swing?
im waiting for the rope to break; to let this weight crash to the ground and leave such an impression. deep and wide. i can see the sky, i can breathe the air, i can hear the music. but i cant climb out.
i just want to be... grounded.
i know i have made my decision. i know i have made the RIGHT decision. why question? why?
why do i always choose losing battles?
why do i always fight for things i have no business fighting for?
why cant i get off this damn swing?
im waiting for the rope to break; to let this weight crash to the ground and leave such an impression. deep and wide. i can see the sky, i can breathe the air, i can hear the music. but i cant climb out.
i just want to be... grounded.
lifesaver
according to research provided by the nova scotia branch of the lifesaving society (the lifeguarding experts) drowning is a big problem in canada; almost 500 people drown in canada each year and, year after year, over 40% of drowning victims are alone. just because you are a "good swimmer" doesn't mean you'll be able to take care of yourself if you get into trouble. whether alone or in crowds of people, they suggest always having someone looking out for you in case you encounter difficulty...
ALWAYS SWIM WITH A BUDDY.
such basic advice. i think i will take it.
and so enters my swim buddy. "just dive" she says... she swims like me! straight to the deep end, treading water, lots of splashing, diving under, holding breath, summersaults, blowing bubbles, back float - face in the clouds, front float - help im drowning, breast stroke - er, ya. we both go too far... fortunately not at the same time... one calls for help; the other goes into personal floatation device mode - full search and rescue.
i know how to swim! i spent every summer in that frikken cold ass glacier lake taking lessons. yellow, green, orange, maroon (hell-oh!), red, silver...whatever. i was there. i'd know it was swim day when i woke up to rain. i cursed the godlike cleanliness of the lake back then; instructor girls with their red cross tank suits could always see my toes touching the sand and rocks below. dont make me swim 20m, 40m, 60m... let me dive off the damn wooden dock over the dropoff!
bitch as i may, i know i learned. and so, with nods to the canadian red cross and the nova scotia lifesavers (ooooh like CANDY!), i promise to always wait 30 min after eating before entering the water (but what if we are on a dinner date?!) and i will always swim with a buddy.
seems lately im surrounded by water. so now we've got each other; lets go test the water. i'll bring my air matress &stuff and together we can dive, float, splash, crash....
but we will *never* drown.
ALWAYS SWIM WITH A BUDDY.
such basic advice. i think i will take it.
and so enters my swim buddy. "just dive" she says... she swims like me! straight to the deep end, treading water, lots of splashing, diving under, holding breath, summersaults, blowing bubbles, back float - face in the clouds, front float - help im drowning, breast stroke - er, ya. we both go too far... fortunately not at the same time... one calls for help; the other goes into personal floatation device mode - full search and rescue.
i know how to swim! i spent every summer in that frikken cold ass glacier lake taking lessons. yellow, green, orange, maroon (hell-oh!), red, silver...whatever. i was there. i'd know it was swim day when i woke up to rain. i cursed the godlike cleanliness of the lake back then; instructor girls with their red cross tank suits could always see my toes touching the sand and rocks below. dont make me swim 20m, 40m, 60m... let me dive off the damn wooden dock over the dropoff!
bitch as i may, i know i learned. and so, with nods to the canadian red cross and the nova scotia lifesavers (ooooh like CANDY!), i promise to always wait 30 min after eating before entering the water (but what if we are on a dinner date?!) and i will always swim with a buddy.
seems lately im surrounded by water. so now we've got each other; lets go test the water. i'll bring my air matress &stuff and together we can dive, float, splash, crash....
but we will *never* drown.
hypothermia
you ran
sand kicking up from your heels
not knowing
not caring
how deep the water was
you said that it was 'beautiful'
come
swim with me
and so i followed
and we swam
splashed
giggled
laughed
you pulled me deeper
we held our breath
and sank beneath the waves
i came up for air
you havent resurfaced
and now im treading water
and it is
cold.
sand kicking up from your heels
not knowing
not caring
how deep the water was
you said that it was 'beautiful'
come
swim with me
and so i followed
and we swam
splashed
giggled
laughed
you pulled me deeper
we held our breath
and sank beneath the waves
i came up for air
you havent resurfaced
and now im treading water
and it is
cold.
100% of half is half and other mathematical equations
i do and i say and i feel and i think and i give and i give and i give.
(keep adding)
this is a problem. with infinite possible equations. and only one solution.
everything times nothing equals
nothing.
(keep adding)
this is a problem. with infinite possible equations. and only one solution.
everything times nothing equals
nothing.
making waves
the thought of jumping out of a plane over an ocean should terrify me.
in breaking news... there has been a luscious collision just east of the lost city of atlantis. bystanding mermaids say butterflies were seen in the area just prior to the hit. fireworks are still going off.
but it doesnt.
breaking news update... waves have settled from the recent collision at atlantis. our underwater correspondant reports schools (of fish) rushing to the scene. a mysterious mermaid has been spotted swimming along side the ghost of a shark. an abandoned bicycle remains unclaimed. fireworks continue... stay tuned.
the ocean will never be the same.
in breaking news... there has been a luscious collision just east of the lost city of atlantis. bystanding mermaids say butterflies were seen in the area just prior to the hit. fireworks are still going off.
but it doesnt.
breaking news update... waves have settled from the recent collision at atlantis. our underwater correspondant reports schools (of fish) rushing to the scene. a mysterious mermaid has been spotted swimming along side the ghost of a shark. an abandoned bicycle remains unclaimed. fireworks continue... stay tuned.
the ocean will never be the same.
random acts of bullshit
why are people so quick to assume that when someone tries to do something nice, or helpful, or supportive, they are only doing it for their own personal gain? is it so difficult to believe that the only personal gain one might be after is the satisfaction in knowing that they have made someone else smile? have we become too skeptical when it comes to the actions of others? have good deeds become vehicles for alterior motives? is everyone so busy plotting and scheming, planning their daily moves like an oversized chess game?
"...if i do this, this will happen, which will cause this reaction, which will result in...."
i'm not doing it for money. i'm not doing it for fame. i'm not doing it for love or sex or cookies. i'm doing it because.
JUST because.
so, if you are thinking differently. if you assume i need a reason to be here, doing the things that i do. that there is a calculated plan to some ultimate goal. that i am playing tricks and keeping secrets...
i wonder why you do the things you do. for me.
"...if i do this, this will happen, which will cause this reaction, which will result in...."
i'm not doing it for money. i'm not doing it for fame. i'm not doing it for love or sex or cookies. i'm doing it because.
JUST because.
so, if you are thinking differently. if you assume i need a reason to be here, doing the things that i do. that there is a calculated plan to some ultimate goal. that i am playing tricks and keeping secrets...
i wonder why you do the things you do. for me.
youre the inspiration
someone asked me today if i can always write, or if i need inspiration. my answer? both. because i am always inspired.
inspiration is all around me. i draw from every experience, regardless how minute or profound. not a day goes by that something, or someone, does not evoke emotion that is strong enough to warrant written word. today is no exception.
the words you will read as you scroll through past and future posts, the letters and dots and dashes, they are mine. the meaning behind these words... i cannot lay claim. your emotions, your experiences, your life - this is where my words are born. i often write - for you. i listen and absorb. i process. and i create. without you, this would be a blank white screen.
today i am inspired in so many ways. i am inspired by the unconditional love and understanding of one of my truest friends... his complete acceptance and appreciation for who i am and for his encouragement to keep being me; our uncanny similarities. our shared philosophies. and i am inspired by a new friend, who has become a true friend. who fits the same mold.
thank you. thank you for sharing your life with me. you allow me to create.
youre the inspiration.
inspiration is all around me. i draw from every experience, regardless how minute or profound. not a day goes by that something, or someone, does not evoke emotion that is strong enough to warrant written word. today is no exception.
the words you will read as you scroll through past and future posts, the letters and dots and dashes, they are mine. the meaning behind these words... i cannot lay claim. your emotions, your experiences, your life - this is where my words are born. i often write - for you. i listen and absorb. i process. and i create. without you, this would be a blank white screen.
today i am inspired in so many ways. i am inspired by the unconditional love and understanding of one of my truest friends... his complete acceptance and appreciation for who i am and for his encouragement to keep being me; our uncanny similarities. our shared philosophies. and i am inspired by a new friend, who has become a true friend. who fits the same mold.
thank you. thank you for sharing your life with me. you allow me to create.
youre the inspiration.
the core remains the same
i spent most of my life living on the shore of a spectacular glacier fed lake. along one side, a winding highway etched into the mountain... the only road to travel. the other side splashing against the shores of pristine parkland; lush vegetations, alpine meadows and snowcapped peaks.
for many, the magnificience of such natural wonders were taken for granted. they believed the world beyond the mountains echoed our small corner of the world. there was no need to travel or explore. for me; i knew i was blessed to live in such a grand environment. this valley was my temple; the mountains my god... strong and powerful. at night, angelic stars would light the sky. towering cedars and pines swayed; a congregation. the lake - my holy water
the lake, at times, provided a perfect mirror image of all that lived above it. mashed potato clouds floating in azure blue would cast their reflection for miles. the calm was seductive... sunshine rays shimmering; catching the eyes of those within seeing distance. other times, she would throw waves; white water crests spilling over rocky shores. a powerful force ready to swallow whatever dared challenge her. a violent reaction caused by various upsets... sometimes a stones throw - other times, raging wind. and when nothing was left to calm her; thunder would roll across the sky, shaking homes until rods of sharp light tore through the darkness... sometimes there was fire that would burn for days. smoke would fill the valley and when it finally cleared everyone would see the scars.
when i go home i can still see the scars. many are now hidden by new growth; newcomers will never know anything different and accept what is now as how it has been always. but i know they are there. i can remember. i watched as flames rose... i can still smell the smoke.
and still, i am awestruck by the beauty that surrounds me. on the surface things have changed; the core remains the same.
for many, the magnificience of such natural wonders were taken for granted. they believed the world beyond the mountains echoed our small corner of the world. there was no need to travel or explore. for me; i knew i was blessed to live in such a grand environment. this valley was my temple; the mountains my god... strong and powerful. at night, angelic stars would light the sky. towering cedars and pines swayed; a congregation. the lake - my holy water
the lake, at times, provided a perfect mirror image of all that lived above it. mashed potato clouds floating in azure blue would cast their reflection for miles. the calm was seductive... sunshine rays shimmering; catching the eyes of those within seeing distance. other times, she would throw waves; white water crests spilling over rocky shores. a powerful force ready to swallow whatever dared challenge her. a violent reaction caused by various upsets... sometimes a stones throw - other times, raging wind. and when nothing was left to calm her; thunder would roll across the sky, shaking homes until rods of sharp light tore through the darkness... sometimes there was fire that would burn for days. smoke would fill the valley and when it finally cleared everyone would see the scars.
when i go home i can still see the scars. many are now hidden by new growth; newcomers will never know anything different and accept what is now as how it has been always. but i know they are there. i can remember. i watched as flames rose... i can still smell the smoke.
and still, i am awestruck by the beauty that surrounds me. on the surface things have changed; the core remains the same.
wash. rinse. repeat.
everything beyond this post has been moved from my previous blog space. my last blog, posted october 29, 2006, was written in, quite possibly, my most deepest moment of sadness. ever.
things have changed. drastically.
it is spring. i am new.
maybe i might.
things have changed. drastically.
it is spring. i am new.
maybe i might.
drowning (part 2)
[29 Oct 2006 | Sunday]
 |
i am under water. scalding against my skin. still i shiver. scrub away your fingertips. flash. back. to all the days when you were naked. but never exposed. like me. under water. |
maybe i might
[25 Oct 2006 | Wednesday]
|
maybe the things you say are contrived |
mermaids and butterflies
[02 Oct 2006 | Monday]
|
from here to heaven, and everything in between. words will not even begin to describe the past 5 days... but of course, i will certainly try. |
i support karma
[23 Sep 2006 | Saturday]
|
for max. |
procedure
this is the beginning
of the end
of the story
that shouldnt be mine
but is.
(next line)
i see you
closer
to farther
away
ANY day.
i know who i am now
my purpose
my role
in your* life
*his
*her
*their
(not mine)
go. do. be.
i am happy
happy.
happy..
enlarge your world
[22 Sep 2006 | Friday]
|
|
eight days a week
[06 Sep 2006 | Wednesday]
|
there is nothing worse than a cocky tuesday Wednesday - "Hump Day" Half way through the work week! It's all downhill from here! Let's coast to the weekend. Thursday - Weekend is on the horizon. Often pubs and clubs will have specials and entertainment because, really, who cares if you're a bit hazy in the morning; half of your collegues and contacts have booked the day off and your boss will be leaving early anyway! Bonus advantage of filling in for Friday on 4-day holiday weekends. Friday - Hell YA! Saturday - A full day of bliss... from sleeping in to staying up late and everything in between. A getaway from the everyday. Sunday - Lazy Sundays...mmmmmmm. Often capped by a nice big comfortable dinner. Monday - I hate Mondays. Tuesday - errrrrr....... uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....... yes. as i was saying... tuesday is the silent partner. the middle child. tuesday gets no credit. zero identity. So, when tuesday has the opportunity to assume the monday position, it seizes the day (no pun intended - heh.) with such tenacity. it wants to be noticed. it begs to be heard. it oooozes with competitiveness. it wants to be a better monday than monday itself. and like the child that acts out in a deserperate attempt to quench their thirst for attention... the long weekend tuesday steps up to the plate and... * SLAP! * yup, it hurts. a comedy of errors. everything that can go wrong... does. you spend the first half of your morning trying to fix things and the second half setting off new explosions. at lunch something burns. all that is left for the afternoon is a) histerical laughter b) tranquilzers c) murder. yes, there is nothing worse than a cocky tuesday. that occasional bitch that haunts the pleasure of your long weekend. except, perhaps, the sneaky wednesday that smirks knowingly as she laughs in your face reminding you that you are rounding the hump and have 3 days to fit in a weeks worth of work. so much for coasting. |
drive to dream to live
[05 Sep 2006 | Tuesday]
|
last night i dreamed |
woah blog!
[23 Aug 2006 | Wednesday]
|
so i obviously caused a stir with yesterday's blog - i have never had so many hits and certainly never so many messages in my inbox! so to those of you who wrote, and those of you who silently wonder... here's what you need to know: |
you make me sick
[22 Aug 2006 | Tuesday]
| i am so sick of people and their holier-than-thou pretentious bullshit. who do you think you are mister i only eat 100% organic grain fed free range pesticide free blah blah blaaaaaaah... ?? don't you hear me laughing while you drive away in your monster SUV with all leather interior. i dont know what is pushing out more exhaust - polluting my beautiful clean air - more, you or your overpriced tailpipe. and you! the one who claims to only watch "educational" television programming on publicly funded channels so you wont "corrupt your mind with megacorp brainwashing" (who do you think is FUNDING half of those programs while maintaining content control? - suckah. brainwashing is tricky business. thats right. BUSINESS). and you "i'm soooooo emo" bitches who wont listen to any music once it crosses the "mainstream" line. that group you loved so much - the one you knew every word to sing along at the top of your lungs to... the ones who were only talented and cool when you were the only person who knew they existed. the ones you cried and cut your heart out to. ya they suck now. quick, you better delete them from that spanky ipod daddy bought you with his gold card before that myspace boi catches you rocking out to number 4 on the pop charts. oh oh oh WAIT. before you continue to look down the end of your nose at that kid at the skate park. kick him off "your street" for smoking weed and throwing down "blow your fucking mind" pen and ink sketches in that tattered up book he's been keeping in his backpack - you better finish that bottle of VO scotch your pretty little wife (that hates it when you touch her) keeps pouring for you and kiss your perfect childern with your liquour-laden lips before they go off to their "respectable" jobs at your favorite franchise conglomorate. bigger, better, faster, more. hypocrite. mind control. scary BUSINESS. thats life. live yours. dont tell me how to live mine. dont tell my kids how to live theirs. thats my job. and i'm doing just fine. and, before i go sit my second hand name brand ass down and eat my mad-frikken-cow cheeseburger before wiping my face with a *gasp* BLEACHED WHITE PAPER NAPKIN . . . (pause - let that sink in....) . . . and then enjoy a delicious 65000 chemically concocted tobacco cigarette (or two, what the hell? you only live once, right?) while having casual conversation with the 15 year old kids who i'm hiring to paint murals on some of the run-down buildings that people would rather see rot than be handed over for social improvement projects about the blatant mistreatment of society BY society... do me a favor. do NOT ask me how i am. because you patronizing bastard, if i took the time to really answer, you'd be late for your counselling session. and then. THEN. hell would surely break loose. |
letters i have never sent
[10 Aug 2006 | Thursday]
|
letters i never sent |
quilting
[07 Jun 2006 | Wednesday]
|
when you are lonely always. |
could the winter calm come twice?
[01 Jun 2006 | Thursday]
|
you know how in winter, when ice forms where puddles would be? the blissful joy and sheer satifaction of cracking that ice? the sound of the ice shattering beneath the soles of your boots. the ice puddles, seconds ago so solid, sunlight reflections bouncing off each glassy surface, now lay in ruins. empty holes amongst the melting shards; like hatched eggs, only nothing is born. |
Love Poem (1991)
[22 May 2006 | Monday]
|
black room. cold floor. moonlight dances through the blinds; illuminates your perfectly chisled face. your touch is electric. every part of my body tingles; sensual vibrations take over. turn it up. let me tune in to you. let me feel the pulsating beat pump my blood. thrash in equilibrium, surround me with your lyrics. go deep, deeper, in to my soul and keep it; protect me. i feel you like i feel no other. take me forever, lead me not back to reality; keep me at your roots. bass beats in my heart and rocks my body in syncronicity with the rhythm of our love. |
time & confusion
[20 May 2006 | Saturday]
|
everything is ok. i am ok. this is exactly what i wanted. closure. to hear your voice. to see you. to have you tell me ... everything is ok. i dont need anything else. you feed me... i tell you im not hungry. you serve me. anyway. i eat your apologies. i am not full.. but i am comfortable. |
shel knew his shit.
[18 May 2006 | Thursday]
|
Hug O' War |
the journey IS the destination.
[10 May 2006 | Wednesday]
|
It's time to roll the windows down and |
everything's coming up roses.
[28 Apr 2006 | Friday]
|
i am here, at work, captivated by 12 long-stemmed roses; full yellow buds merging to delicate peach petals. vibrant greenery boldly showcasing their luscious beauty as whisps of baby breath, like delicate lace, play among the leaves. |
no red ink today
[06 Apr 2006 | Thursday]
|
i got a letter today. it wasnt addressed to me, but i was fortunate enough to have the author send me a copy. |
a beautiful silence
[24 Mar 2006 | Friday]
|
so i havent blogged for 2 weeks (thanks for pointing that out w00t). it isnt that i have nothing to say - its that... i dont want to say them out loud. |
late
[12 Mar 2006 | Sunday]
|
deafening silence |
no fear.
[08 Mar 2006 | Wednesday]
| i wonder why so many people go to such great lengths to save relationships with those who have hurt them immensely, or are completely detremental to their wellbeing, or are simply - wrong. they know that they are fighting to save something that will never bring happily ever after, yet they grasp and claw and cling to whatever shred of decency is left. they tell themselves that they can fix things. they convince themselves everything will get better as long as there is change. they swear this time will work. perhaps it is fear. fear of never finding a love that is better. a love that they deserve. fear of being alone. |
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