maybe i might

.

2008-09-27T19:47:00.000-07:00

in singing songs of sixth sense
im watching for the sky
to to see the star
beyond the moon
into the sun
i want to run much further
past yours
and mine and time have passed
this fate was yours
and cast from cards before
i said i knew
but didnt know that
i should say so
there's no blame though.

nature is the fix
for all that ails
and lessons spell out sentences
in paragraphs
or stanzas.

period

do you get it?

im addicted to the way i feel when i think of you

2008-09-02T21:09:00.000-07:00

its like happy
or like happy like i never knew
before you
bright bliss blankets warm
but light like sheets in breezes
or ticklish sneezes
and a giggle
dipped in chocolate
covered cherry
ice cream
pi(e)
thats you
and i
am always listening
while speaking louder
because thats when you feel best
you know the rest.

come. what? may...
this never happened
yet its always taking place
i like this pace
feels i could fly this way
forever

last night a dj saved my life

2008-08-04T03:33:00.000-07:00

random girl with teardrop
wakes from sleep so deep
shes on fire and shes melting
while you listen to her
sleep and willow whisps of rhapsody
fresh for breaking day
with every word much more is heard
she hopes you stay to play

safecracker

2008-08-04T03:00:00.001-07:00

everything in its right place and all around me falls exactly as it should be when i wonder how it could be and then wonder at the wonder of it all. where once so small made mountains now i clearly see the sea im plainly on the shore as purely sure as i can be. magical musical mystery solves the spills that fill these notes and the rain comes down like turtle soup while boys and breakfast scramble. beats for junkies just like me while skin breathes luscious, mood exhales, colliding energy.

key becomes the keeper while everything in its right place and all around me falls exactly as it should be.

night biscuits

2008-08-04T02:22:00.000-07:00

and so i
philosophize
while counting colours
on rainbows
and chasing tales
of faraway lands
and close encounters
of the countless kind
this third time charmed
with a different soundtrack
i cant playback
but ive got gems
and dust that sparkles
crossing never never land
i hold your hand
and fly

...the little things

2008-08-03T08:17:00.000-07:00

i responded to a forum thread entitled "things that really piss you off" and it reminded me of my life essentials and the little things post. so here is my really piss me off list... followed by some timely additions to my list of what makes me happy. and i would love to see yours too.

1) people who preach their beliefs and opinions yet refuse to listen to another point of view.
2) CAPS
3) fragrance overload. deoderant, perfume, cologne, hairspray.... what the hell are you trying to cover up? a little bit goes a looooong way. ffs... you're killing me. truly.
4) when people assume im from US based on my timezone and when i tell them im from canada their response is "ye, whatever, same thing"... eh?
5) people who like things until they become "popular" (and also people who only like things because they are popular). like what you like ffs.
6) my laptop... grrrrrr!
7) the use of "gay" as a negative adjective.
8) people who drive under the influence of drugs/alcohol. you might be invincible, but im not. there is always another option.
9) unnecessary jealousy. "baby i totally trust you, i just dont trust them"... wtf?
10) pharmaceutical advertisements. i dont need to hear about how the person taking your drugs may suffer from bloating, watery eyes or anal leakage. kkthxbai.
11) hypocrisy

.... quick, make me happy...

capturing a moment with a single frame
open air parties with stars and sunrises
inspiration
my coffee press
a really great stretch of djs on tt radio
good energy
dirty murky filthy beats that make me wanna dance
pretty colours
tight hugs
bare feet
real lemonade
when whales talk
lolcats
solstitch gloves
great conversation
finding the perfect words
long drives to nowhere
campfires
getting lost in creation
freedom of expression
naps
finding the perfect gift for someone and giving it just because...
long weekends
being silly, naturally.
faeries
love
freak
etc.

ace of grace

2008-07-30T18:56:00.000-07:00

normalcy screams like death by fire
still my desire swiftly trumps the highest card
and ace of grace
will not misplace
your beating heart

its just the start of ever after
such disaster calling nature taking course

and so society
says so
quietly
dont disturb, respond, react
scratch, bite
attack
im only human
feeling out of this (mind)
world rewinding through the present
love for future of mankind

its mine.

sorry seems so simple
but im crippled
to admittance
every time.

really real

2008-07-28T22:28:00.000-07:00

reflective brings perspective until everything makes sense
out of a million
and nothing finds me richer
than a moment spent with you.
maybe i might i said i wont perhaps i dont;
likely i do.
just imagine while im dreaming everything gets really real
and answers precede questions
and im certain that i feel (exactly)
if i should be sleeping but im clearly wide awake
and risky falls from chances
that im not afraid to take.

day one

2008-07-10T19:52:00.000-07:00

steady breathing comes
and something new then follows
while creative carves our castle
i can tell you what love feels like
when there never is a question.
crazy, but i like it as do you

and we might not make the moon move
but our sun is always shining
through a nighttime full of stars
i see a vision
will you make it?
because i dont know how it works
just how exactly
how amazing it will look
and smell
and quench your thirst
and this tastes different...

we are doing
so its happening
and we'll never have to wait
for sometime later
if we start forever now.

freaks like me

2008-06-30T03:33:00.000-07:00

nobody knows what honey does
when i talk of birds
(and bees)
as i sit here in the shady part
you're dropping needles
(on my knees)
and so i giggle at the pain
of pin pokes pierced under my skin
and let you in where only i have gone
to cultivate this sin
you close the door behind you
while i turn on every light
maybe i might become a sandwich
because i love it when you bite.
so crawl across to your side
be the voice inside my head
while i blow smoke rings and such other things
from all these things we've said.

the promise

2008-06-22T05:10:00.000-07:00

dreamscaped landscape
flows freely
through the watermelon grove

i dare not go to sea where i can see
your mermaid tales of discontent and rapture
capture this moment and fly, will i?

get distracted
with a feeling less a word
seems so absurd because im full of them
songs you sing along
and stumble on my word.

its what you heard
when you looked in
and saw my voice.

attract | repel

this fascination with magnetism
paints painful pleasure
in this portrait of a girl
who drives through mountains.

impossible
is not
an option.

will finds way to press play
and skip repeat.
step into this beat or keep the promise.

.

...

2008-05-28T02:32:00.000-07:00

whats your point?

.

.

.

(think)

.

speak spell

2008-05-07T21:47:00.000-07:00

sentences write stories
spelling blood inside my veins
and spill from lips
or fingertips
while every letter carries
an emotion
forming words
that tell you how
or what or why
it is im feeling
when i...
(sounds like just the way i am
with perfect punctuation)

...and ive lost my voice
trying to find the words...

writing this
unscripted scene
in messages and music
like a neverending story
singing chorus;
lacking verse.

our cryptic curse.

clover

2008-05-05T23:55:00.000-07:00

and i giggle
at the thought
of how i babble
like a brook
and write a book
on your white pillow
and i wonder
why this season
brings such showers
and then love
how everything
begins with green

tears spring
and drip to lips
like dew drops do
on flowers.
wet kisses taste salty,
still
nothing is sweeter

see my lover
dressed in purple
while i run through fields of white
all [every] night
and imagine my reflection is the brightest star...

imagine.

a clear sky
fills quickly
and then again
im lost

chapter 3

2008-04-20T16:46:00.000-07:00

blank page beckons ink
i think
fresh smells best
on books

my outlook has changed

and characters pass through pages
wait for the pen
your fate rests in my hands

what is
write

lets see where this story ends.

what

2008-03-22T02:15:00.000-07:00

i seek what
and who means nothing
more than i do
now and never
thens the only time when
what is what i feel
i want
and who cares
what is what i seek
and who means nothing
more than
more than you
could ever mean to me.

(and i know why)

thats what.

afraid to think

2008-03-17T23:21:00.000-07:00

where possibilities once pulled
like stripping bark from stark birch trees
now i wait
for green and spring to bring me
cherry blossoms.
and when [if] i fall
in autumns leaves
i shall be coloured with abundance
and apples

winter doesnt leave for bravery;
its just reaction to the action
[lack] of patience.
... this i know.

my thoughts melt faster than they form
while i sit barefoot in the snow
wonders what i fear.

lesson

2008-03-01T07:50:00.000-08:00

this is where they
call the crossroads
and bear witness great events.
in opposite directions each path lies inevitable
future
no man treads on either one.

this life has just begun
and i am one
but for a moment

i
make
fate.

cherry blossoms fill the air so i dont even care. either way i know im right and
that makes happy.

so what is this

2008-02-26T19:55:00.000-08:00

so what is this
recycled misery
(the kind i can remember)
or
nirvana
the place i always thought...
but now forgot.
completely.
run away with my memory.
take lyrical journeys.
walk mystical beats.
and conversation that lasts forever
except for when we
what
because we never.

was that wait
or fate
whatever.

either way its hard to say
but sometimes wonder
is the only quality
intriguing enough to make me stay
everything else
is abundant.

but i want to know.

.

Daily Tarot

2008-02-24T20:23:00.000-08:00

Ten of Swords

The Ten of Swords card suggests that my power today lies in acceptance. It's over and done in no uncertain terms. I recognize, surrender to or accept the finality of the truth or consequences in order to look to the future or have "changed my mind." I let go of all attachment or resistance to sustaining conditions that don't work or are out of my hands. E tu brute? I can't move forward by beating a dead horse. It's the last word so put a period on it and move on. I am empowered by truth and consequences and my virtue is liberation or release from suffering, uncertainty or victimhood.

?

2008-02-22T00:48:00.000-08:00

how does anyone ever know
whats right
what might be good for now
will only be bad when
they finally get to then
but while they wait
take misery with occasional company.
why not take now
and consider then
when
the time for then is now.
and its exactly where they want to be.

but how does anyone ever know.

axiom

2008-02-20T22:46:00.001-08:00

our math and other problems
divide us into three
you
me
we.

will we ever be us?
is this space required for
proof of theory?

because i could write for days
months
moons
forever
and never find the answer
in a logical manner.
something that makes sense
beyond the sixth
(to the power of two).

solve this.

what it is

2008-02-03T06:52:00.000-08:00

and then there were none
and one
whose number was so much greater
than your truth
absolute
knowledge based on what is
not what could be
assumption
explosion
you were chosen
to make messages
bring lessons
to learn
is to accept
and
adaptation
is the only answer
to maybe i dont want to
so many things
just see
is how it is
with you
and
me.

coronation

2008-01-23T20:22:00.000-08:00

destination safety
where emotion is dead
and still
we breathe life.
its living, less flavor.

race to wait
for good things
as hearts grow fonder;
the only distance greater
from here to heaven
is the hell
of space between.

and now i am the queen.

revolution

2008-01-23T18:40:00.000-08:00

for the record
my thoughts collect
in three letter words
while silence sings
with nothing;
such perfect harmony.

until static screams -
its over.

abyss

2008-01-15T02:29:00.000-08:00

sometimes i think about thinking
about you
a spark synapse and
momentary lapse of reason
tied to memories with sailor's knots.
i ought to find a way
to keep these thoughts at bay

fill full,
bail out,
remain empty
and float.

im drifting...

she upon the sea
riding rhythmic waves
mesmerized by the horizon
the sun slips down
reveals the shadow of a buoy

save me...

sometimes i think about thinking
about you;
thoughts ebb and flow
while ghosts of sharks
swim circles.
fight fear of fear
i will not drown [again]

exhale...

and take a deep breath
and hold.

of art and ashes

2008-01-09T23:57:00.000-08:00

crazy makes fire
that slowly burns
and lights the fuse
becomes the muse of all creation
enigmatic relation
ship of fools.

this fire burns hot blue
finds new flames
flicker and fight
in the heat of the night
but every fire smolders

leaving ashes

fire by design
sings of hearts desire
in the matter of this art

42

2008-01-09T23:08:00.000-08:00

i am that place
i am freedom
i am everything you
never knew you wanted
and didnt care
because you never knew.
i am that place
that exists only in wonder
what is it
when you get there
how do you know you know.
you know?
i know
now
i do i do i do
and i think you do to
.

i am fear
i am unknown
until now
i am i wish
and i am hope
i am once upon a time in a faraway land...

i dont want to be
if only
anymore

happily never after (saving daylight)

2008-01-08T21:22:00.000-08:00

but i will wait for never.
forever.

ignore possibility and chance
to wait for change of circumstance
while time drifts away
i am still.

this is not by choice

its just the way you change your voice
to fit the season
it gives me reason
to hope and stay (pray too)
my god knows i have not chosen this path
i landed here.
a lost mistake
took root into your heart.
im stray.

where did this start?
at quarter past you?
with me calling seconds?
now?
wait a minute
we cant fall back again
we did that once and lost
our timing takes us to a whole new zone.

and never before have you been so close
and i more so alone.

but i will wait for never
forever.

the catch

2007-12-30T22:37:00.000-08:00

im not waiting
for miracles
or first sight
or the light
thats right
im not waiting
for see
or what may be
or he
or me
im not waiting
for sweeping feet
hearts that beat
faster
catch me if you can
play cat and mouse
with boys
man,
im not waiting
for ever after
constant laughter
hugs and kisses
wedded bliss is
not my destination
its a journey
not a plan
im not waiting
if you're coming
catch me
if you can.

drawing a blank

2007-12-19T22:02:00.000-08:00

a simple question
draws a blank

nothing
is
blatantly
obvious.

by design,
this blinding white
creates a map of clear direction.
my selection
is the story of your life.

mosaic

2007-12-07T18:52:00.000-08:00

this is your mess
im stepping on
pierce the skin
of tender feet
im seasoned when it comes to all
except for here
im green.

i dont have horses
i dont have men
how do i put you together again?

dont.

some pieces, more desirable,
when broken from the whole
fit nicely with new fragments
of mind; of heart; of soul.
from new perspective
comes new light
reflecting from below
tread gently where ive never been
but badly want to go.

choose the pieces wisely
inlay them next to mine
shards like glass
of shattered past
creates this new design.

like beauty
this exhibit lies
(in the eyes
of the beholder)
where you find it;
there, it lives
lost among the classics

this is modern art.

i dont belong here

2007-11-28T23:07:00.000-08:00

porcelain grins
so slick with syrup
in sugar coats
and shoes to match.
[a bad accident]
i cant bear to watch;
the tragically glamorous
come sickly amorous.
all loud
to be heard?
to be scene?

switch from princess to queen
in the blink of spider eyes;
bleed wishes wrung from heart's despise.

i no longer recognize
this picture painted
completely tainted
what is real;
what is wise.
hollow fills to full capacity
as faux rapture leads to capture
of moments before mornings
without sun.
empty has begun
to fill the place once saved
for feeling
breath is wasted
on mouths of bitter.

this black canvas
uninspired.
where once was muse
sparks lit this fuse
and fizzled.

anticipation killed the destination
imitation isnt flattery.
your form is unappealing
to the naked i

home is where the heart is.
i dont belong here.

20 things we've learned from facebook.

2007-11-20T00:48:00.000-08:00

1. the more walls you have, the more people you keep out.

2. the definition of friend now includes family members, celebrities, pets, anyone you've captured in the background of a photo taken during your last drunken episode, the kids you couldnt stand at school, the kids who couldnt stand you at school, anyone you have ever sent an email to, 4 people with the same name (because you didnt know which one was the one you really know when you searched). sometimes the definition may be expanded to include a portion of all aforementioned friends friends (formerly known as acquaintances). it does not, however, include your teacher or your boss.

3. myspace really DOES suck.

4. the world is full of vampires, zombies, sith lords, ninjas, pirates, hos and bros

5. you have to be friends with someone before you can have a relationship with them.

6. theres a very good chance that "met randomly" really means "hooked up" (it just wasnt sensational)

7. we are all voyeuristic. someone is stalking you now. yes, right now.

8. we finally really know what kind of lover, drink, sex position, superhero and vegetable we are

9. going for coffee has become an "event"

10. we are not alone. addicted to cheese? appreciate mullets? send drunken texts? a procrastinating perfectionist? a loner? want to see someone do something incredibly stupid or humiliating when they achieve their membership goal? join the group.

11. wall-to-wall is the new eavesdropping.

12. "skip this step" is there for a reason.

13. illitracy is a live and whell.

14. poking leads to kissing (remember when it was the other way around?).

15. guinea pigs, giraffes and garden gnomes are all hatched from eggs with a 4 day incubation period. the same length of time it takes to grow orchids, money and disco balls.

16. no matter how non judgmental we claim to be, we constantly compare our friends to one another.

17. cross border shopping really does save you money...you can buy your friends almost anything for $1 USD

18. we've all mastered the drunken arm-outstretched-down-angle snapshot in the same way those clowns mastered the volkswagon.

19. we all always "is" something.

20. nothing is sacred.

you are here.

2007-11-17T09:01:00.000-08:00

the future is not mine
to see
now is all i know
and i know now
that what i see
in front of me
is exactly
where i want to be.

snow angel

2007-11-09T02:01:00.000-08:00

i see snowflakes sparkle
drifting downward
are they really all that different?
to me they taste the same.
i melt them on my tongue;
they disappear.

circling in spirals
left alone they fall in place
make beds of thick blankets
and everything seems so bright;
(heavenly)
i keep forgetting this illusion
is created by the sun
of which there's only one.
yet i am blind and overcome
and so i fall...
the landing is never as soft
as hoped for.

i realize im no angel;
i still want to play.

pinches

2007-11-04T06:00:00.000-08:00

reality
is only a figment of imagination;
our wildest dreams
manifested.
what is real?
only perception can tell.

dreams, it seems
come true.
be careful what you wish for

hard to swallow

2007-10-31T22:21:00.000-07:00

the girl opened her eyes
as bare feet touched ground.
she walked to the cabinet
and stared with a frown.
gazing at bottles
of yellow, blue, red
choice of daily emoition
she weighed in her head.

its a sad day for me
if my choice is blue
moping and eating
with nothing to do
i'll cry and i'll sleep
no visitors; no calls
depressing thoughts
and bare white walls.

if i choose red
i'll be filled with rage,
bitter hate and fuck your way.
i'll smash and break
i'll scream and yell.
i'll damn the world.
its my personal hell.

if i choose yellow
im sure to find love
its the logical choice
and its been long enough
i can fill my mind with butterflies;
joyfully be hypnotized
as i float through the day
in a lovely trance
i'll sing
i'll spin
i'll hum
i'll dance

the girl couldnt decide
and so she took two;
one of the red
one of the blue.
i feel better with purple right now
she said
'cause when yellow wears off
i would rather be dead

rush

2007-10-29T23:03:00.000-07:00

its the rush
that stops us
dead in tracks;
two hearts attack.

heads in clouds but
rips through silver linings
like lightning,
we bolt.
tearing at the speed of sound;
never even left the ground.

life happens backwards;
craves new beginnings
spins perception into thoughts
like hurricanes
funnel through mouths
spitting rain

captured by the rapture
of premature infatuation
or is this calm before the storm
of something real
of something warm.

fall to sixth

2007-10-23T12:17:00.000-07:00

face forward
to the wind;
it moves me...
can you feel it?
whispers of the unknown
screaming in my ears
cast tears
from closed eyes.

warming up
is the hardest part
from where we start.
and we're frozen...
yet so sweet
when
drenched with heat;
passion of the unknown.

i grant you the power
of the rising sun
and yet
you let
it set

you think i cant see in the dark
but twilight sharpens my senses

taste
salt
smell
fear.

hear
nothing
feel
more...

fall to sixth
point blank
and reason;
i never lie
to myself

break in to me

2007-10-16T04:11:00.000-07:00

i wrote some words
yet none have heard
songs true that sing
inside my soul
its here where i feel whole
but spoken
becomes broken
meaning trapped between my lips
i dont dare whisper...

but write;
seems right

password
lock
key
me
.

tiny little moment

2007-10-09T01:36:00.000-07:00

how will i ever know
what i want?
and
what i need?

perhaps
happily after ever
wanting never
needing knowing
is the moment when i'll see.

decoupage

2007-10-09T01:01:00.000-07:00

recklessly abandoning tangible thoughts
in pursuit of irrelevant happenstance
i take chances with moments
subconsciously wishing for nothing
(is as it seems)
pinch pieces of dreams
with fire burned edges
and fit them together;
create a puzzle collage
lacquering layers
of horses and kings and knights and players
but still feeling the fray
of disconnect
where they intersect
and pulling ideas
that stick out in my mind
(revealing nothing behind)

better than nothing.

2007-10-06T09:39:00.000-07:00

perhaps i was wrong. perhaps it isnt worth knowing the joy regardless of the pain.

maybe its just easier to settle on whats possible.

i suppose its better than

nothing.

take flight

2007-10-05T22:21:00.000-07:00

its real
anyway
we deal
these cards
say
get on the plane
fly
fly
fly
you have wings
and
so
do
i
.

losing my reflection

2007-10-03T21:08:00.000-07:00

searching for new angles in this hall of mirrors i find myself a thousand times reflecting half the story with reversed assumptions bouncing back onto myself and causing glare and fucking with my instinct and confusing what i see and choosing wrong directions.

which one is really me?

a flash of new light brings fear suddenly seeing beyond myself and wondering how this missed impression escaped my sight i think and i look twice and i breathe and i look thrice.

where did i go?

see im looking through a window now.
and
when the sun shines just right i
see my transparent reflection
(but at least i know im here)
and
i can see the other side

its a beautiful view

This is a Test

2007-10-03T01:51:00.000-07:00

This is a test.
This author is conducting a test of the Emergency Blogging System.
This is only a test.

affect, affection, affectivity, agitation, anger, ardor, commotion, concern, desire, despair, despondency, disturbance, drive, ecstasy, elation, empathy, excitability, excitement, feeling, fervor, grief, gut reaction, happiness, inspiration, joy, love, melancholy, passion, perturbation, pride, rage, remorse, responsiveness, sadness, satisfaction, sensation, sensibility, sensitiveness, sentiment, shame, sorrow, sympathy, thrill, tremor, vehemence, vibes, warmth, zeal

This is a test of the Emergency Blogging System. This author, in voluntary cooperation with her ideas, thoughts and feelings, has developed this system to keep herself inspired in the event of an emergency. If this had been an actual emergency, including emotional breakdown, random acts of intensity, sudden awareness or unadulterated events resulting in visceral expression, the blog containing the aforementioned (but not limited to) emotions would have been created by way of cryptic messages and overindulgent metaphors. Certain areas may also have experienced loss of punctuation or flood by ellipses...

This concludes this test of the Emergency Blogging System.

half way to the middle of fabricating the truth

2007-10-02T14:05:00.000-07:00

this new found land
halfway between
fantastical nirvana
and dreaded bliss
at midpoint
we bleed ecstasy.
and dizzy does that;
vertigo...
dont look down
im falling up
and spins begin.
chasing spiral stairs
leads to nowhere
but more blank stares
and we blink before we think
.

holding hands,
like healing hearts,
is hard
(and haunted heads ache)
rock is solid;
lighthouse leads the way
yet still there is fog.

this new found land
halfway between
inevitable existence
and virtual duality.
foreigners speak the same language
and nothing is stranger
than fiction
come fact...

how will you react?

seasick

2007-10-01T19:44:00.000-07:00

i walked alone along the shoreline
(eternally spotless, my mind)
over matter
skipping rocks
causing ripples
distorting reflection.
confusing
(my affection)
to the sea.
i could not see
beyond these mountains
cold tipped rocks
too great to skip
and heart goes flip...
instant attraction.

spells cast dark
like shadows
masked distraction.
ghosts of sharks
from the sea
i could not see.

sand sifts time
yet still i climb
dig picks to rock
(sparks fly)
my head is in the clouds now
but i can only float
on water.
summit brings thin air
its hard to breathe
when faced with most breathtaking views
what did i choose?

my mermaid laughter
lost in wind
and hooves make thunder
upon this glacier...
frozen
water
i see.

i still taste salt.
i found the fault
(the greatest crack
which widens the gap)
we shift.
icicle darts
make tsunami waves;
push me from the ledge.

sand.
i see
my footprints
where i was...
not so long ago.
i wring out my sunshine mind;
offer tea
from seashell cups.

the sea
i see.

im moving mountains.

love and death

2007-09-20T08:04:00.000-07:00

who says we have to find the one we will "spend the rest of our lives with"? if living life means constantly growing and learning and changing, then isnt who we are right now bound to change over the next 2 or 7 or 15 or 60 years? how do we know who we will be and what our needs will be in the future? cant we we just focus on being where and with who we belong with right now, enjoy each other, serve our purpose for sharing this time in our lives, learn from each other and grow accordingly... and then, when we find we are stagnant, we can accept that we are no longer meant to be together and part knowing that we have made each other better people and hope our next partnerships are of the same great value? i think that if we looked at life and partnerships this way, we wouldnt miss out on the great relationships we could and should be having - for fear of making the mistake of wondering if we are "truly meant to be together forever".

and when people say "they died before their time", i disagree. they died because it WAS their time. people die when they stop living. when they stop growing and learning. but they also die when they stop giving. when they stop teaching. or they die TO teach. one person's death brings lessons to many. lessons that would go unlearned if the dead were still alive...

live each day for the day. be who you are right now. learn your lessons. give of yourself so others may learn from you. teach and be taught.

that's life.

EFF!

2007-09-14T02:57:00.001-07:00

bitch.

over easy

2007-09-13T07:47:00.000-07:00

breakfast surprises
not dressed
in decor paper
and glitter bows
the way surprises
are supposed to be
for me
they come
stuffed inside
black lead balls
and drop
no bounce; no roll
and lie
and lie
and lie
i want to feel your
presence
so i shake
and poke
and try to guess whats inside
the closer i get
the deeper you hide.
why cant we find
one occasion
that fits
one occasion
that sits
well
balloons and bells
were never my forte
either
so we breathe
and lack excitement
fold ourselves into our lapse
of expression
share depression.

good morning...

how punctual.

2007-09-11T17:26:00.000-07:00

your words are my sentence.

storybook romance

2007-09-04T22:54:00.000-07:00

somehow tonight i understand the term "storybook romance" more than ever as our heroes, heroines, villains and thieves fill each page with tumultuous passion and daring escapades all in the name of love. we vie for the hero to find his beloved. we wait (not so) patiently for happily ever after. we cry and get angry. we weep with despair and celebrate the triumphs. we hope and dream and bite and scream. we ride the twists and turns and never know how it will end until we read the final chapter.

... unless we skip to the final page.

and that just ruins everything.

displaced

2007-08-24T03:19:00.000-07:00

removed
from all i want
reacting
to nothing i know
your heart
beats
in a different world
called normal
displaced
misplaced
this space
between
echoes in early morning text messages
and ideas
and dreams.
they are not mine;
only spoken
by a girl most broken
by those she
trusts
she
loves
she
knows
but does she?
knowing needs
knowing breeds
sick passion
displaced
misplaced
action.
im sorry
im sorry
im sorry

im sorry

lost in translation

2007-08-20T23:55:00.000-07:00

dont you know that
no means
maybe
yes i should have
smoldered
when your fingers
touched my shoulder
but instead
i turned to ice
i cant play nice
its heat i seek to melt me
but instead im sure
you felt me
shiver
shudder
at the thought of breaking
frozen in the moment
making breath
breathe out
like frosty air
i do not care
i do NOT care

let me walk
before you talk
your quiet voice
surrounds me ringing
mute outside
while inside singing
all the songs you ever wrote
stick within my throat

yes i should have
maybe
just
said
no.

more...

small hands

2007-08-03T18:05:00.000-07:00

i am holding
nothing solid;
too big for my hands
it crumbles
through my fingertips
the tighter i squeeze.
the sum of all parts
of the whole
is equal
to less of everything
i want
i need
i cant have it
if not all.
pieces only work
in puzzles and song
or candy coated chocolates.
(and even they begin to melt
with time and heat)
bittersweet.
all or nothing
is what im given
but all doesnt fit
and nothing only
proves a void
i couldnt see before...
but anyway.
i will always be the same.
give me nothing
or give me solid
a handful of crumbs is a waste of space...
i cant take it;
ive got
small hands
.

freedom's just another word for...

2007-07-27T03:26:00.000-07:00

a wrinkle in time
finds me standing
between
what you thought you knew
and what i know is true

do you feel different now that...
you know?

and i know
and he knows i know
and so do we

has the truth set me free?

(believe)

2007-07-20T03:19:00.000-07:00

you will never know how important you are, to me. you will never know the impact you've had on my life. you will never know the significance you play. every day. thank you so much for all you have done to make me, me.

(believe)

you never cease to amaze me.

ps. your soul's not done yet.

the off days

2007-07-16T10:54:00.000-07:00

this revolving door
keeps spinning
i push
heavy on the date
that turns the on days
off.
you scoff
at my reflection
not to mention
the attention
we are opposites
at odds
cross wedges
as we turn
at equal pace
a constant race
without a win
yet still we spin.

three days
the sun shines in
watch through glass
too quickly pass

its dark inside
the off days.

searching for ways
to kill this curse;
just makes things worse.

quest

2007-07-10T00:52:00.000-07:00

i am in your eyes
you see
i cant change
the way you look at me.
you play by the book and
follow rules;
i'll search for clues
and pay my dues
with elves...
and sorcerers...
and harlots.

keep connecting dots
pour more shots -
a grand slam breakfast
on a mushroom cloud
a serious explosion
welcome to the next level.

black velvet sweeps the floor
as we dance
(apart)
how do we do this two step?
tango?
twelve step?
shotgun!
i shall ask the oracle...

i remember to not go back
to the places ive already been
i have already found what im looking for
there
i just didnt know why.

keep collecting thoughts
and items in my satchel.
the four cheeses lead me
to the cold metal chest.
i find water
and drink.

continue the quest.
chase the dragon.
capture the wizard.
music is my goddess given power...
this is what i draw

i know i will beat this game.

archers

2007-07-06T07:56:00.000-07:00

i give up
you give back
shoot arrows at my heart
attack me
when im down
grinding thoughts until im grounded
nothing matters of the heart
i press stop
you push start
you dont see me
but im here
confusion leads to something clear.
pluck arrows; take aim
both at fault with nobody to blame.
a final shot at fate complete.
done deal.
fait accomplit.

im sorry i missed you.

some heroine

2007-06-19T23:52:00.000-07:00

try to illustrate the way
my heart sings onomatopoetic
like a comic book lover.
i marvel...

colours of primary
red
yellow
blue
and black so black;
pops the white
where i write
in words that come in sounds
of cacophonic proportions
stammer stutter stare stumble stuck. here.

i keep subscribing to these issues;
speed read and write the story
spill my guts
for glory

writer's block, the villain
blank holes and lead dust smudges
where the words once were
and ought to be
crumble under pressure.

stage fright is my kryptonite
tear another page.

i am some heroine.

change.

2007-06-08T01:35:00.000-07:00

and when we are forced to remember
everything we forgot might have changed
differences team up together
and nothing has only stayed same
we look at the faces we recognize
as someone we're certain we knew
and we laugh at the memories we harbour
in hearts that have broken in
too many times
as we settle ourselves very tightly
outstretched in our comfortable groove
squeezing in what we think comes tomorrow
as all yesterdays quickly sift through
we try as we may to hold on to
everything good in our past
but as mighty our fists tend to gather
only scatterbrained moments still last
we'll wander the streets of our lifetime
looking backwards at all that we've lost
disregarding what waits in the future
and avoiding right now at all cost
we fight and we fight and keep fighting
to ignore laws of life seems so strange
when the only thing proven for certain
shows the only thing certain is change.

i do.

2007-05-15T00:25:00.000-07:00

remember when you used to sing to me all night every night while you watched the sun and smelled the ocean and i counted stars and sang along.

remember when i'd make you tea as i poured my martinis so we both could sip and tap fingertips

remember when we used to talk. no... i mean really. talk. and dream. perhaps we were talking in our sleep

remember...

japanese food
driving to nowhere
pink sweaters
love letters
art
time & confusion
cherry ice cream
and pi

i do. i do. i do.

get the funk out

2007-05-04T20:58:00.000-07:00

crazy days turn into
nights
and lights
lose sight
gain sound surround
yourself
with beauty
where you find it

bats fly
boys cry
sink to the bottom of the
bwomp swamp...

its murrrrrky.

let it go
free your soul -
get the funk out.

what i am is what i am

2007-05-02T01:38:00.000-07:00

do you think you know me?
with all i have said
and all you have seen
do you believe i am a true representation
of who i really am?
and do you think you know me?
and if you do...
why are you still here?

still life?

2007-04-23T02:06:00.000-07:00

and so we contemplate
and analyze
follow every line.

we criticize
and ponder
how would you draw this differently?
would you change anything at all?

does the way the light
hits the paper
change the way
the artist intended us to look?

we drink our mochas
and wonder.

and wonder...

the image forever changes
as we imagine everything this piece could be
but at the end of the day
when our cups are empty
and the lights go out
and the sign says 'closed'

it is what it is
and always will be

a sketch pad
a flower pot
and you
and me.

half way to nowhere.

2007-04-19T02:02:00.000-07:00

remind me again why i count numbers backwards for so many seconds of too many days waiting for the moment that will never happen as long as my eyes remain open.

maybe i should just...

sleep?

.

Fast Car

2007-04-12T02:13:00.000-07:00

So I remember when we were drivin',
Drivin' in your car,
Speeds so fast I felt like I was drunk,
City lights lay out before us,
And your arm felt nice wrapped round my shoulder,
And I, I had a feelin' that I belonged,
And I, I had a feelin' I could be someone,
Be someone, be someone.

I am sitting on my front porch. All I see is a moth fluttering against the yellowed light; a flickering shadow, larger than life. A beetle drinks from a worm.

And a million stars that go on forever...

My feet move and I startle myself. I dont know if I should go inside. Or if I should sit here and wait. Though I dont know, exactly, what I am waiting for.

So I wait for the worm to dissappear. And the beetle to walk away. For the moth to settle. I tuck my feet under myself. Its just me.

And a million stars that go on forever...

You got a fast car,
Is it fast so you can fly away?
You gotta make a decision,
Leave tonight or live and die this way.

[Tracy Chapman - Fast Car]

spring break.

2007-04-10T00:34:00.000-07:00

i dont want to play
schoolyard games
i scraped my knees
too many times
band-aids leaving
sticky squares
around the scabs
and remind me of the
bloody mess
you pushed me into.

truth or dare
i tiptoe when i play
hopscotch
shooting marbles
bouncing balls
catching jacks
and jills
and bills
and bobs
lets not skip rope
to the rhythm
of this song
lets stop singing
this song
that skips

listen for the bell
go back to class
listen
learn

i've graduated.

mind your PQs

2007-04-04T13:47:00.000-07:00

how will i get through this day? this *light* at the end of the tunnel is shining so bright that i can't see what's right in front of me, right now! my brain is leaking... i can feel it. drip drip drip. it fills my mouth. a taste i've never had before. or maybe i have. i can't remember.

it tastes like clover
and honey
and wine
and licorice

*superfluous* thoughts shoot from my mind
lazer beams
shining greens
strobing bright
flashlights
explosions

its only 2 o'clock.

getting back on track
i see obstacles ahead
at two fifteen
and regular intervals thereafter

i think i can
i think i can
i think i can...

~quiver~

silence is violence

2007-04-03T18:05:00.000-07:00

we stay silent
to spare each other's feelings
which, consequentially
hurts even more
not knowing
gut wrenching
digs a pit
impossible to fill

say what you mean
mean what you say
don't linger...

the truth may hurt
but the silence
is violence
.

the gambler

2007-03-30T00:42:00.000-07:00

vegas odds were pretty good. i threw in my chips. i was feeling pretty lucky. i got caught up in the moment. a roll of the dice....

sucked in by the bright lights and smooth dealers. liquor lips smile like the devil.

looks like i lost... again.

count on me.

2007-03-28T01:27:00.000-07:00

Doesnt it suck when you really need someone to be there. And then they aren't? You can always count on me. One day maybe I will be lucky enough to find the same quality in someone else. Until then... blog on.

seasons change

2007-03-26T22:07:00.000-07:00

we live in circular motion. seconds tick around the clock making minutes turn to hours into days throughout the month of every year through the decades in each century. the moon dances around planet earth as we spin every day; together orbiting the sun. and seasons change.

four seasons. each unique; bring something new. change. some good; some bad. spring fresh with babies and blossoms and puddles and mud slow roast baking as summer brings sunshine and beach sandy toes. long days with barbeques and beer and campfires while children forget to read and write and ride their bikes to the autumn heat with cool breeze evenings as green grows gold frost and vibrant red. trees shed leaving patchwork blankets on the ground waiting for winter white with brittle crystal-like ice patterns on windows. cold. fresh. death.

circles.

i know your seasons. and like all else revolving. so do you. a circular motion spinning through change. my moon, orbiting me as i spin faster than you do. and together we orbit in space. your seasons change. you are fresh and i breathe deep and splash in puddles that overflow with new. we laze through your summer days. music loud. good food. long drives. in autums i see change coming. sometimes you shine brighter than ever; bold colours making loud statements. "i am here. but i will be leaving. remember this moment. i am beautiful." and then comes winter. harsh. biting. cold snaps through me. i freeze. death.

i dont like winter. but i know it has to come. it is part of the circle of life. it brings closure. and with closure... starts anew. and i know spring will come again. such is the perfect circle; time. life. sun moon stars. seasons change.

i just need to weather the storm.

afterglow

2007-03-26T01:25:00.000-07:00

i wrote some words. but they were *inappropriate*. so i deleted them.

(i will whisper them instead)

i should run away and join the circus

2007-03-21T21:07:00.000-07:00

i am a tightrope walker.
you have trained me well
ringmaster.
i walk a fine line.

this time i know
there is no safety net

i am doing
EVERYTHING
in my power
not to fall.

ladies and gentlemen
boys and girls
children of all ages

watch me....

i will
amaze
you.

hurry up and wait

2007-03-21T00:16:00.000-07:00

so the million dollar question goes like this:

do you take whats right in front of you because its almost as good as it gets?
or
do you wait for what may never come because its absolute perfection?

open your mind and shut your mouth.

2007-03-20T01:22:00.000-07:00

open your mind wide open. dream beyond imagination. visualize without comprimise.
dont...
dont...
DONT!
dont say a word.
if you dream it; it will happen.
if you speak it -
(shhhhhhhhhhh)
*it*
will
die

.

sweet dreams

2007-03-19T11:46:00.000-07:00

its one of those days
where i wish i could just lay in bed
all day
(with someone else)
and dream
without sleeping

explore the future
tomorrow
next week
next month
next year
next life

embrace fear
battle with passion
ideas for ammunition
we are brave
twisted into sheets

caffeine and pillows
dreams in daylight
nighttime details
flood the hours
the clock ticking by

as we document our plan
dotting our eyes
with kisses
and crossing our teas
with cream

just dive
just dream.

here i go again on my own.

2007-03-16T01:23:00.000-07:00

i have so many thoughts tonight. im feeling.. well.. im not exactly sure what, or how, im feeling - or even why im feeling it. my head is swimming; i have been completely preoccupied inside my own head. its been awhile since i went there.... i have SO much i want to say, and none of it i feel i can say out loud or put down in words. ive been put back in my place - again. it hurts - alot. i want to shout but the words are stuck at the back of my throat. its hard to breathe.

*choked*

pendulum

2007-03-16T01:01:00.000-07:00

i feel like im swinging, legs wrapped around the teather... back and forth, back and forth. i imagine a tire swing - head leaning back - hair in my face. and wind. but instead of a tire, i am sitting on a weight... and the swinging is in slow motion. the pace is set and i reach both extremes; each time i reach the farthest possible point, that weightless *airpocket* feeling sets in. i dont know if it feels good... or bad. i kiss my angel. then my devil. then my angel... back and forth, back and forth.

i know i have made my decision. i know i have made the RIGHT decision. why question? why?

why do i always choose losing battles?

why do i always fight for things i have no business fighting for?

why cant i get off this damn swing?

im waiting for the rope to break; to let this weight crash to the ground and leave such an impression. deep and wide. i can see the sky, i can breathe the air, i can hear the music. but i cant climb out.

i just want to be... grounded.

lifesaver

2007-03-13T22:37:00.000-07:00

according to research provided by the nova scotia branch of the lifesaving society (the lifeguarding experts) drowning is a big problem in canada; almost 500 people drown in canada each year and, year after year, over 40% of drowning victims are alone. just because you are a "good swimmer" doesn't mean you'll be able to take care of yourself if you get into trouble. whether alone or in crowds of people, they suggest always having someone looking out for you in case you encounter difficulty...

ALWAYS SWIM WITH A BUDDY.

such basic advice. i think i will take it.

and so enters my swim buddy. "just dive" she says... she swims like me! straight to the deep end, treading water, lots of splashing, diving under, holding breath, summersaults, blowing bubbles, back float - face in the clouds, front float - help im drowning, breast stroke - er, ya. we both go too far... fortunately not at the same time... one calls for help; the other goes into personal floatation device mode - full search and rescue.

i know how to swim! i spent every summer in that frikken cold ass glacier lake taking lessons. yellow, green, orange, maroon (hell-oh!), red, silver...whatever. i was there. i'd know it was swim day when i woke up to rain. i cursed the godlike cleanliness of the lake back then; instructor girls with their red cross tank suits could always see my toes touching the sand and rocks below. dont make me swim 20m, 40m, 60m... let me dive off the damn wooden dock over the dropoff!

bitch as i may, i know i learned. and so, with nods to the canadian red cross and the nova scotia lifesavers (ooooh like CANDY!), i promise to always wait 30 min after eating before entering the water (but what if we are on a dinner date?!) and i will always swim with a buddy.

seems lately im surrounded by water. so now we've got each other; lets go test the water. i'll bring my air matress &stuff and together we can dive, float, splash, crash....

but we will *never* drown.

dear mister you

2007-03-13T00:36:00.001-07:00

come home soon.

i miss you....

terribly.

p/h

hypothermia

2007-03-11T23:17:00.000-07:00

you ran
sand kicking up from your heels
not knowing
not caring
how deep the water was
you said that it was 'beautiful'
come
swim with me
and so i followed
and we swam
splashed
giggled
laughed
you pulled me deeper
we held our breath
and sank beneath the waves

i came up for air
you havent resurfaced
and now im treading water
and it is
cold.

100% of half is half and other mathematical equations

2007-03-10T16:48:00.000-08:00

i do and i say and i feel and i think and i give and i give and i give.

(keep adding)

this is a problem. with infinite possible equations. and only one solution.

everything times nothing equals

nothing.

making waves

2007-03-08T18:23:00.000-08:00

the thought of jumping out of a plane over an ocean should terrify me.

in breaking news... there has been a luscious collision just east of the lost city of atlantis. bystanding mermaids say butterflies were seen in the area just prior to the hit. fireworks are still going off.

but it doesnt.

breaking news update... waves have settled from the recent collision at atlantis. our underwater correspondant reports schools (of fish) rushing to the scene. a mysterious mermaid has been spotted swimming along side the ghost of a shark. an abandoned bicycle remains unclaimed. fireworks continue... stay tuned.

the ocean will never be the same.

random acts of bullshit

2007-03-06T23:27:00.000-08:00

why are people so quick to assume that when someone tries to do something nice, or helpful, or supportive, they are only doing it for their own personal gain? is it so difficult to believe that the only personal gain one might be after is the satisfaction in knowing that they have made someone else smile? have we become too skeptical when it comes to the actions of others? have good deeds become vehicles for alterior motives? is everyone so busy plotting and scheming, planning their daily moves like an oversized chess game?

"...if i do this, this will happen, which will cause this reaction, which will result in...."

i'm not doing it for money. i'm not doing it for fame. i'm not doing it for love or sex or cookies. i'm doing it because.

JUST because.

so, if you are thinking differently. if you assume i need a reason to be here, doing the things that i do. that there is a calculated plan to some ultimate goal. that i am playing tricks and keeping secrets...

i wonder why you do the things you do. for me.

youre the inspiration

2007-03-05T01:46:00.000-08:00

someone asked me today if i can always write, or if i need inspiration. my answer? both. because i am always inspired.

inspiration is all around me. i draw from every experience, regardless how minute or profound. not a day goes by that something, or someone, does not evoke emotion that is strong enough to warrant written word. today is no exception.

the words you will read as you scroll through past and future posts, the letters and dots and dashes, they are mine. the meaning behind these words... i cannot lay claim. your emotions, your experiences, your life - this is where my words are born. i often write - for you. i listen and absorb. i process. and i create. without you, this would be a blank white screen.

today i am inspired in so many ways. i am inspired by the unconditional love and understanding of one of my truest friends... his complete acceptance and appreciation for who i am and for his encouragement to keep being me; our uncanny similarities. our shared philosophies. and i am inspired by a new friend, who has become a true friend. who fits the same mold.

thank you. thank you for sharing your life with me. you allow me to create.

youre the inspiration.

the core remains the same

2007-02-28T01:53:00.000-08:00

i spent most of my life living on the shore of a spectacular glacier fed lake. along one side, a winding highway etched into the mountain... the only road to travel. the other side splashing against the shores of pristine parkland; lush vegetations, alpine meadows and snowcapped peaks.

for many, the magnificience of such natural wonders were taken for granted. they believed the world beyond the mountains echoed our small corner of the world. there was no need to travel or explore. for me; i knew i was blessed to live in such a grand environment. this valley was my temple; the mountains my god... strong and powerful. at night, angelic stars would light the sky. towering cedars and pines swayed; a congregation. the lake - my holy water

the lake, at times, provided a perfect mirror image of all that lived above it. mashed potato clouds floating in azure blue would cast their reflection for miles. the calm was seductive... sunshine rays shimmering; catching the eyes of those within seeing distance. other times, she would throw waves; white water crests spilling over rocky shores. a powerful force ready to swallow whatever dared challenge her. a violent reaction caused by various upsets... sometimes a stones throw - other times, raging wind. and when nothing was left to calm her; thunder would roll across the sky, shaking homes until rods of sharp light tore through the darkness... sometimes there was fire that would burn for days. smoke would fill the valley and when it finally cleared everyone would see the scars.

when i go home i can still see the scars. many are now hidden by new growth; newcomers will never know anything different and accept what is now as how it has been always. but i know they are there. i can remember. i watched as flames rose... i can still smell the smoke.

and still, i am awestruck by the beauty that surrounds me. on the surface things have changed; the core remains the same.

wash. rinse. repeat.

2007-02-26T02:04:00.000-08:00

everything beyond this post has been moved from my previous blog space. my last blog, posted october 29, 2006, was written in, quite possibly, my most deepest moment of sadness. ever.

things have changed. drastically.

it is spring. i am new.

maybe i might.

drowning (part 2)

2007-02-26T02:03:00.002-08:00

[29 Oct 2006 | Sunday]

i am under water. scalding against my skin. still i shiver. scrub away your fingertips. flash. back. to all the days when you were naked. but never exposed. like me. under water.

death smells like jasmin and eucalyptus and lavender. everything is white. and clean. and pure. light reflects from virgin razor. blades. gliding across my skin. under pressure. taking everything outside of myself; nevercloseenough to shave the only thing i need to shed.

and nobody can see me cry. when i am under water.

the water, like darts of ice now; i find warmth. somehow. i step back into your world. where everything has a name. and a face. and a title. and a purpose. everything is misty. or maybe i only have water in my eyes.

and i am so beautiful. surrounded by smoke and mirrors.

maybe i might

2007-02-26T02:03:00.001-08:00

[25 Oct 2006 | Wednesday]

maybe the things you say are contrived
maybe the facts arent straight.
maybe i write my own stories.
maybe you can't relate.

maybe you are not who i believe you to be
maybe you see me different too.
maybe we will fall apart
maybe i'll die with you.

maybe we were meant to meet
maybe we dont know why
maybe we shouldnt question
you
and
i

maybe i should just
push maybe far away
maybe i should concentrate
on how i feel today
maybe i should think
much less
and focus on whats real

the way i smile, when im with you. and how that makes me feel.

i dont want the maybe
i dont what the might
i dont want the noone knows
i just want whats right.

mermaids and butterflies

2007-02-26T02:02:00.002-08:00

[02 Oct 2006 | Monday]

from here to heaven, and everything in between. words will not even begin to describe the past 5 days... but of course, i will certainly try.

flying on a completely clear day over rocky edged mountains, hidden alpine lakes skirted by endless evergreens reflecting radiant beams of sunlight, rivers and roads winding through the deep valleys below until reaching the beautiful oceanside city of vancouver would have been proof enough that i live in the most beautiful place on earth. but that was just a preface to the awe-inspiring beauty i was about to witness and the scenic view was only one dimension of the whole.

one of the support organizations for the provincial level of the not-for-profit i work for holds their annual general meeting and professional development conference on the last weekend of september each year. the conference is always hosted in a different location, giving chance to explore new areas of our province. this year it was held in parksville, bc, along the eastern shore of vancouver island, at tigh-na-mara seaside spa resort, or, in easier terms... heaven.

the 13 minute flight from vancouver to nanaimo offered a view of a completely new world. the bluest blue of the ocean, broken only by countless islands bursting with lush forests, spanned as far as my eyes could see. at 4000 ft, we were low enough to really see the world beneath us. The islands gave texture and perspective illustrating the natural surface curve and as i took pictures from my window seat, i was reminded of every NASA photograph, every geography textbook graphic, every globe on every desk. i could truly see our earth in all its fantastic planetary glory. the flight that i had been unnecessarily nervous of suddenly became all too short.

i traveled with my boss, an amazing woman and one of my personal mentors, who would ultimately be elected president of the organization at this year's conference. i always look forward to the opportunities we have to work together outside of our usual work environment. i take great pride in standing next to such a dynamic and inspiring leader and am completely impressed by the way she affects those around her, always in a completely humble and unassuming manner. she is so full of laughter, creativity, style and energy, always exuding complete professionalism, yet in a fully approachable and welcoming way. above all, she is conscious of her team, never taking single credit and always speaking as "we". admirable in a boss; uncommon in a president.

we arrived after an hour's drive up island. we had traveled early as she had engagements that evening. i, on the other hand, could relax until the following morning. we found our room, a one bedroom, log architecture, ocean view suite nestled amongst the skyscraping cedars and twisting, naked arbutus trees, which grow only along the south coast within close proximity to the ocean. the private balcony overlooking the gorgeous georgia straight and the distant coast mountains convinced me i need not look any further for a way to spend my free time.

i dined alone that evening. something i enjoy immensely. something to read (my latest issue of WIRED magazine seemed oddly wrong in such a natural setting; yet i couldnt resist the urge), something to eat (a giant portabello mushroom stuffed with garlic and cream cheese, baked and drizzled with lemon butter reduction), and a fabulously delicious glass of red wine (an australian cab/shiraz blend, the vineyard escapes me). the tapas bar, with its cedar and stonework, was the perfect introduction to the days that would follow. a cozy, comfortable atmosphere, majestic scenery, exemplary customer service and fine food prepared from the finest ingredients.

heaven.

nothing starts a day of seminars and panel sessions like watching the sunrise over the pacific ocean with a cup of steaming gourmet coffee. i wondered in amazement at how the ocean had disappeared while i slept. the distant tide seemed forever away as i watched the geese flock to the small pools painted orange and navy blue in the reflection of the dawn sky; oddly beautiful as they carried on in the fresh morning sea air. by the time i had showered and dressed the tide had rolled in; miles of beach now only a memory.

and so began the journey. 3 days of powerful workshops and keynote speakers, inspiring the new and rejuvenating the tired. placing faces on the names of our colleagues, we communicate with regularly through voice or text. empathy, sympathy, encouragement and celebration. this weekend is the fuel for all of us involved in the organizational fire. professional development. peer mentorship. discussions, debates and advice. over 100 experts combining experience; each offering a valuable contribution to the network. its training that no manual could ever provide. constant knowledge. continuing education.

oh. there is more.

the phenomenal staff at tigh-na-mara took it upon themselves to upgrade every conference detail. smooth marketing tactics? probably. but we graciously accepted and guarantee it worked (i know i will be back!). every meal was prepared and presented with ultimate flavor and flair. our usual soup and sandwich lunches suddenly became gastronomical feasts from the overabundant mediterranean buffet full of vibrantly colorful vegetables to the fresh pacific salmon with mixed greens and wild rice. breakfasts of pastries and muffins, fresh fruit, bacon, sausage, diced potatoes and the fluffiest scrambled eggs ever were enhanced with live chef stations, offering made-to-order omelets one day and hot off the press belgian waffles with a plethora of succulent fruits, fresh whip cream, nuts and real maple syrup to top them the next. our daily meals impressed, yet our evening meals were beyond typical. our evenings offered experience.

the opening reception took place at the grotto spa. i arrived with two other participants and was taken on a tour of the mineral bath and spa treatment facilities before being escorted to the elevator that took us upstairs to the treetop lounge. the chef introduced his staff who would be passing hot appetizers to compliment the tables piled high with an incredible variety of locally produced cheeses and breads, fresh vegetables and fruits. In addition to the flavor treasures that circulated around the room, a live station serving martini meals; steaming mashed potatoes topped with mixed sautéed mushrooms, beef, lamb or vegetables in savory juices with fresh bread garnish. These delectable dishes proved the second best item served in a martini glass that evening; guilty pleasure martinis, a perfect blend of premium vodka, chombard liqueur and fresh lime juice, taking first. Throughout the evening we were invited to enjoy complimentary mini-treatments throughout the spa. Hand, back and neck massages with aromatheraputic lotions and potions and the most unbelievable sugar scrub which left my arms and hands feeling like the richest silk and smelling incredibly edible.

as i watched the preparations for our friday night beach barbeque from my balcony, i was distracted by unusual patterns in the ocean below. watching the movement of the water, I wondered what could be hidden just beyond the calm surface. the water moved in constant circular motion creating a stirring effect and I watched curiously, yet quite contently, hoping for a glimpse beneath the ocean. as if to tease, spots of black would occasionally rise, then disappear faster than a falling star. finally, enough exposure reveled that i had been watching a seal. excited by my aquatic discovery, I made my way to the beach to enjoy a nice cream ale while burying my feet in the sand and to learn that my seal was only the opening act to the truly magical marine dance displayed by two killer whales jumping in the not so distant waters of the georgia straight.

heaven.

on the final night of the conference, the founder of a long time sponsor and great supporter of our organization hosts the president..s reception, meal, awards ceremony and entertainment; a formal affair with such careful attention paid to every detail imaginable. Gathering for cocktails in the reception lounge, admiring the stunning beauty of each person who arrived, dressed in their best, glowing with anticipation for the evening ahead, we tried, as always, to predict the menu for the gala event. while each of us could only speculate the possibilities (seafood being the popular assumption) we all were certain of one thing, the meal would be beyond belief, in menu choice, presentation and flavor. when the grand doors were opened, we were presented with a stunning vision of rich cream linens and roses, accentuated by the shining table silver and sparkling stemware. warm candlelight illuminated the entire room as we found our places among our friends and embarked on an evening of fine wine and a remarkable 3 course meal of fresh fig and basil crusted goat cheese with endive and balsamic reduction, cannelloni with ricotta cheese, fresh spinach and smoked rich tomato herb reduction, roman chicken stuffed with prosciutto, peppers, roasted pine nuts, sun dried tomato, fresh thyme and oregano, tuscan herb lamb chop with white beans, rosemary garlic oil, grilled polenta and white asparagus. fresh melon sorbet cleansed the palate between the second and third course. the grand finale; a trio of chocolate. delectably rich and insanely sinful.

heaven.

the evening progressed as always. dancing. laughter. hugs. laughter. dancing. a perfect ending to a perfect meal that wrapped up a perfect stay in heaven. i fell into bed at 03:30. my morning coffee would be my last with the changing of the tide.

the past couple of months have been unusually stressful and work has been a struggle. i am so very very thankful that my employer, the board of directors who governs the local agency for our organization, values professional development and employee satisfaction. it is obvious to me, through the high level of service excellence provided, that the managing staff at tigh-na-mara subscribe to the same philosophy. i learned an incredible amount over the past few days. i connected with new colleagues and reconnected with seasoned friends. i applauded my boss as she accepted her presidency. i enjoyed an abundance of food and drink. i am rejuvenated and recharged. i have grown. i am ready to conquer the struggle.

mermaids and butterflies

heaven.

i support karma

2007-02-26T02:02:00.001-08:00

[23 Sep 2006 | Saturday]

for max.

polly: i support instinct
polly: not logic
polly: i support emotion
polly: not reason
polly: i support myself
polly: because nobody else will
polly: i support karma
polly: .

procedure

2007-02-26T02:01:00.001-08:00

this is the beginning
of the end
of the story
that shouldnt be mine
but is.

(next line)

i see you
closer
to farther
away

ANY day.

i know who i am now
my purpose
my role
in your* life

*his
*her
*their

(not mine)

go. do. be.

i am happy

happy.

happy..

enlarge your world

2007-02-26T02:00:00.001-08:00

[22 Sep 2006 | Friday]

Michael Andrews feat. Gary Jules
Mad World

All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow

And I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very mad world mad world

Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday
Made to feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson
Look right through me, look right through me

And I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very mad world ... world
Enlarge your world
Mad world

game over

2007-02-26T01:59:00.000-08:00

[08 Sep 2006 | Friday]

i refuse to insert one more fucking quarter.

eight days a week

2007-02-26T01:58:00.000-08:00

[06 Sep 2006 | Wednesday]

there is nothing worse than a cocky tuesday

don't get me wrong... i love long weekends, especially Labour Day.... wrapping up summer, getting back into routine. however, i seem to notice an aggressive trend lately... these long weekends are a chance for those dreaded mondays to take a break from being the weekly villian and, like all good runners' up, if monday, for any reason, cannot fulfill its duties as said villian, tuesday will assume the title. and assume it does. and then some.

lets take a look at our weekly calendar...

Wednesday - "Hump Day" Half way through the work week! It's all downhill from here! Let's coast to the weekend.
Thursday - Weekend is on the horizon. Often pubs and clubs will have specials and entertainment because, really, who cares if you're a bit hazy in the morning; half of your collegues and contacts have booked the day off and your boss will be leaving early anyway! Bonus advantage of filling in for Friday on 4-day holiday weekends.
Friday - Hell YA!
Saturday - A full day of bliss... from sleeping in to staying up late and everything in between. A getaway from the everyday.
Sunday - Lazy Sundays...mmmmmmm. Often capped by a nice big comfortable dinner.
Monday - I hate Mondays.
Tuesday - errrrrr....... uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.......

yes. as i was saying... tuesday is the silent partner. the middle child. tuesday gets no credit. zero identity.

So, when tuesday has the opportunity to assume the monday position, it seizes the day (no pun intended - heh.) with such tenacity. it wants to be noticed. it begs to be heard. it oooozes with competitiveness. it wants to be a better monday than monday itself. and like the child that acts out in a deserperate attempt to quench their thirst for attention... the long weekend tuesday steps up to the plate and...

* SLAP! *

yup, it hurts. a comedy of errors. everything that can go wrong... does. you spend the first half of your morning trying to fix things and the second half setting off new explosions. at lunch something burns. all that is left for the afternoon is a) histerical laughter b) tranquilzers c) murder.

yes, there is nothing worse than a cocky tuesday. that occasional bitch that haunts the pleasure of your long weekend. except, perhaps, the sneaky wednesday that smirks knowingly as she laughs in your face reminding you that you are rounding the hump and have 3 days to fit in a weeks worth of work.

so much for coasting.